If you’ve been married for more than five minutes, you’ve probably received all kinds of marriage advice.
Some of it can save your marriage.
And some of it should come with a warning label.
The problem is that bad advice doesn’t always sound bad.
It usually comes wrapped in good intentions, tradition, or something you’ve heard so many times that you assume it’s true.
When you apply some of this advice, it can chip away at your intimacy until one day you realize you’re sharing a house with your spouse but not much else.
Let’s bust some of the biggest myths.
8 Common Marriage Advice That Can Ruin Physical Intimacy in Your Marriage
1. “Physical Intimacy Should Always Happen Naturally.”
Before I got married, I believed this.
“If you truly love each other, it will just happen naturally.”
Hahaha.
I laugh in sexless marriage.
This is one of the biggest lies people tell married couples because life usually gets in the way.
One person is exhausted from work, the other has been chasing toddlers all day, someone has a headache, someone has an early meeting tomorrow…
Before you know it, “We’ll do it tomorrow” becomes next week… then next month… and suddenly you’re wondering how you became roommates who occasionally discuss groceries.
Physical intimacy doesn’t always happen naturally because life is busy, not because you don’t love each other.
People who say, “If you have to plan it, it’s not romantic,” haven’t tried keeping romance alive while raising children, paying bills, caring for aging parents, and trying not to fall asleep on the sofa at 9 p.m.
Sometimes the most romantic thing you can do is intentionally make time for each other.
It doesn’t mean every intimate moment has to be penciled into your calendar like a dentist appointment.
It just means you stop assuming intimacy will magically appear whenever the stars align.
2. “If You Have to Schedule It, Your Marriage Is in Trouble.”
I dare say, if you don’t schedule it, that’s when your marriage is in trouble.
When people hear “scheduled intimacy,” they picture two people receiving a Google Calendar notification that says, “7:30 p.m. – Have sex.”
Nah.
Scheduling means you’re being intentional.
You schedule work meetings because they’re important and schedule your children’s doctor’s appointments because they’re important.
So why should the one thing that keeps couples emotionally and physically connected be left to chance?
Marriage will always fill every empty space with something else: children, work, church, house chores, Netflix, and of course, doomscrolling.
But if spontaneity is the only strategy you have, don’t be surprised when weeks or even months slip by without any intimacy.
3. “Men Always Want Sex, Women Don’t.”
This myth is one of the reasons so many marriage sermons are directed at women, reminding them not to deny their husbands, while barely acknowledging that wives have sexual needs too.
The message many of us grow up hearing is, “Your husband’s desire is normal. Yours is optional.”
That’s such an unfair burden to place on both men and women.
Yes, many men have a higher sex drive than their wives, but many don’t.
Also, many women have a lower sex drive than their husbands, but plenty of women have a higher one too.
Every marriage is different.
Imagine being turned down by your husband after being told all your life that “men always want sex.”
Instead of realizing there could be stress, depression, health issues, medication, exhaustion, or hormonal changes involved, you assume, “He doesn’t find me attractive anymore.”
And so there are men who feel ashamed because they don’t want sex as often as society says they should.
They suffer in silence because they think something is wrong with them.
The problem with stereotypes is that they don’t leave room for real people.
Forget the stereotype.
Your marriage isn’t supposed to look like everyone else’s. It’s supposed to work for the two people in it.
4. “Children Should Always Come First.”
As much as I’m passionate about children and believe they deserve love, protection, and good parenting, I don’t agree with the advice that they should always come first.
Your children are meant to be the center of your care, not the center of your marriage.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your children isn’t making them your whole world.
It’s showing them what a loving marriage looks like.
There are couples whose entire lives revolve around the children.
Then one day, the children grow up, move out, start their own lives, and suddenly two strangers are sitting across from each other wondering, “Who are you?”
Your children are supposed to leave.
Your spouse, ideally, is the one you’ll wake up beside after the children have built lives of their own.
That’s why your marriage needs attention now, not twenty years from now.
Sometimes that means hiring a babysitter and going on a date, locking the bedroom door for an hour, telling the children, “Mommy and Daddy need some time together.”
That isn’t selfish.
Children thrive when they’re raised in a home where their parents don’t just love them, but they love each other too.
5. “Your Spouse Should Be Your Only Source of Romance.”
I recently went on a buying spree for some gorgeous cups and mugs because I decided I wanted to romanticize my life. 😂
Did I need another mug?
Not exactly.
But sipping my morning coffee from a beautiful cup makes me feel like I’m the main character in a movie.
That’s what I mean by romanticizing your life.
Some people expect their spouse to be responsible for every fuzzy feeling they experience.
Every surprise and every exciting moment should be from the person you are married to.
Nah. That’s too much pressure to put on one human being.
Your husband shouldn’t be the only reason you smile.
Build a life you enjoy.
Buy yourself flowers once in a while, play your favorite music while you’re cooking, take yourself to a café, wear sexy pajamas like me, FOR YOURSELF.
Find hobbies that make you come alive.
Your spouse should be your primary romantic partner, but never the only source of happiness and laughter.
6. “Good Christians Shouldn’t Enjoy Sex Too Much.”
Is it really surprising?
With the way many churches shy away from talking about sex, it’s no wonder so many Christians grow up believing that sex is something to endure rather than enjoy.
For years, the conversation is, “Stay pure. Avoid temptation.”
All good advice, for unmarried people.
But then people get married, and suddenly they’re expected to switch overnight from “Sex is dangerous” to “Now go have lots of it.”
You can’t spend twenty-five years associating sex with guilt and shame, then expect those feelings to disappear because someone slipped a wedding ring onto your finger.
No wonder some married couples struggle.
Within marriage, sex isn’t dirty.
It’s one of the ways a husband and wife express love and celebrate the covenant they’ve made.
7. “If Your Spouse Loved You, They’d Always Be in the Mood.”
Nah.
Love and libido are not the same thing.
If they were, every couple in love would be doing it every single day, and we all know that’s not reality.
Your spouse can love you with all their heart and still be too exhausted after a twelve-hour shift.
What about hormonal changes, stress, anxiety, medication side effects, grief, chronic pain?
That doesn’t automatically mean they’re rejecting you.
Not every “not tonight” is “You don’t love me anymore.”
8. “A Good Spouse Should Know What You Want Without You Saying It.”
Ah yes, because the day you got married, your spouse was promoted to Chief Mind Reader. 😂
Your husband is not a prophet, nor is your wife a fortune teller.
Yet so many couples expect the other person to know exactly what they want in bed without ever saying a word.
Your spouse can love you and have no idea what’s going on in your head.
Nobody is born knowing your preferences.
The couples with the best sex lives are the ones who aren’t afraid to have awkward conversations.
“I love it when you…”
“Can we try…”
“I’d rather not…”
“That felt really good.”
Those conversations may feel embarrassing at first, but they’re how great intimacy is built.
And this doesn’t only apply to sex, but to marriage as a whole.
Don’t expect your spouse to know you need a hug when you’ve been unusually quiet.
Closed mouths don’t get understood.
One of the kindest things you can do for your spouse is tell them what you need instead of testing whether they can guess it.
Just because a piece of advice is popular doesn’t mean it’s true.
Some of the most repeated marriage advice has contributed to resentment and unrealistic expectations.
A great sex life isn’t built on myths.
Don’t build your marriage on catchy one-liners.
Staying married isn’t just the goal; it’s staying connected while you do.