”My husband watches porn, and it’s ruining our marriage. What do I do?”
Perhaps you only just discovered that your husband watches porn.
How do you feel about the discovery?
It’s okay to feel shocked, disgusted, confused, and betrayed.
You’re asking yourself if you ever knew the man you’re married to.
You go through the stages of grief, heartbreak, insecurity about your sex appeal and attractiveness, and loneliness.
A lot of questions and assumptions run through your mind:
- Does he think about the porn images he’s seen whenever we make love?
- What’s he watching when we’re not together?
- Am I not enough for him?
- How does he view other women?
The trust you once had for him seeps out quickly through the window.
These things mentioned above are just some things you go through when you discover that your husband watches porn.
Nobody is blaming you for the way you feel.
On the contrary, your feelings are valid and shouldn’t be swept under the carpet.
You’ll want to know why your husband watches porn and how best to deal with the issue.
This article talks about the best way to handle things without overreacting whenever you find out that your husband watches porn.
Let’s get to it!
My Husband Watches Porn: Why?
You might want to know the general reasons why a majority of the men who watch porn do so.
The knowledge will help you when dealing with why your husband watches porn.
To you, it may be hurtful and appear like a problem, but so many married men think otherwise.
A better understanding between you and your husband is a major part of how you can handle your latest discovery.
Let’s see some of the top reasons why men watch porn
- For digging into fantasies they’re ashamed of ordinarily
- As an escape from problems in the marriage or relationship
- For relaxation
- To fall asleep easily
- To experience sexual pleasures without the fear of rejection
- To satisfy their curiosity
Often, women see porn as bad, while so many men see it as a harmless activity.
A man who watches porn doesn’t do it to cheat on you or make you feel insecure.
He watches porn to relieve stress and fantasize.
Although it’s unhealthy, you need to know that your husband doesn’t watch porn to hurt you.
When you learn how not to take the issue of your husband watching porn personally, you’ll handle the situation better.
By then, you’ll realize that your husband watching porn has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
The more open-minded you decide to be, the more you can have a smooth and calm conversation with him about it.
My Husband Watches Porn: What To Do
Now that we’ve seen why men watch porn, let’s see what you can do about it since it hurts you.
Naturally, the first step to resolving this problem is to talk to your husband about your findings.
You may have attempted talking to him, and it didn’t turn out well.
With the fresh insight here, I hope you’ll go back to have the conversation with a new mindset.
1. Recognize your feelings
You have to mentally identify and put a name to your emotions about your husband watching porn.
For instance, you may feel betrayal, anger, confusion, rejection, hurt, disgust, insecurity, and inadequacy.
Not only does identifying and naming your emotions help your brain to calm you, but it also helps you communicate better the pain you’re going through as a result of your husband watching porn.
2. Know only what you need to know
Don’t waste your time and energy looking through everything he has watched.
The simpler you keep it, the better it is for you.
It’s not necessary to know all the sites he visited and all the genres he watched; you’ll only end up feeling more hurt.
You only need to know enough to know when he’s being truthful or not.
Always remind yourself that he’s the one with the issue, not you.
Although it’s easier said than done, you have to give it a try.
That your husband watches porn doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants you to change into a different person.
Generally, people who watch porn unknowingly start bonding with the images they view on their screens, and it makes the brain begin to desire more of what the eyes are seeing.
As time goes on, it’ll take heightened visual stimulation to achieve the same level of satisfaction, which is why porn can be addictive.
What do you achieve by talking?
What do you want the conversation to be all about?
You should know that it is way bigger than just getting him to stop watching porn.
The talk you’re to have with him is about him, yourself, and your marriage.
Your aim in having the conversation is that you want to know what he’s willing to do to defeat watching porn and the role you can play to help.
Now that you’re ready for the talk, follow these steps to get fruitful results:
3. Question him about watching porn
Firstly, spoken words make up 7%, tone of voice makes up 38%, and body language makes up 55% of communication.
Learn how to adjust the three constituents of communication for effective results.
Let your tone and body language say, “I’m hurt by your actions, but if you’re willing, I want us to get through this.”
4. Know that he may lie
People respond differently when they are confronted.
So don’t be surprised when he lies and denies it.
He may even go into self-protection mode, turn the situation around and try to accuse you of something that’s not true.
On the other hand, he may feel very embarrassed that his secret is out in the open.
In all, be mentally prepared for whatever reaction you’ll get from him.
While you can’t force him to tell you the truth, you can create an environment that’s open to the honesty and hope your husband takes it.
However, if he lies, let him know you’re willing to work through the situation as a team.
Tell him your love for him will not fade just because he got entangled in the web of porn.
Remind him that porn has a greater chance of ruining your marriage if you don’t work together to tackle it.
5. Ask questions, if he wants to talk about it
If he wants to talk about it, then get him to talk.
It may be the first time he has ever talked about it.
You can ask him these questions:
- How long have you been doing this?
- Have you talked to anyone else about it?
- What started it?
- Have you made any attempts to stop?
These questions will keep his mind engaged and make him open up to you.
You don’t need to know everything he has watched.
What you need is confirmation that he’s been watching porn and wants to stop.
So, don’t be accusatory or angry; instead, try to talk about how this affects you in a very real way.
Even if he doesn’t want to stop watching porn now (or ever), he may come around once he realizes that it’s negatively affecting your relationship.
6. Express your emotions and thoughts to him
He needs to understand your feelings and hear your heart.
Communicating your feelings and thoughts to your husband is more effective than screaming and yelling.
Tell him about the betrayal and insecurities you’re feeling due to his actions.
Speak through the voice of the emotion you’re going through, and not anger.
It’ll give him a better picture of the harm watching porn is causing you and your marriage.
7. Talk it out and set boundaries
Let him be willing to talk it out and even take the lead in setting boundaries.
You have to know he’ll not overcome the pressure to watch porn simply because you want him to.
He’ll overcome the pressure because he wants to.
So all you can do for him is to be strong, stand by him, and hold him accountable.
You can hold him accountable by sharing passwords of each other’s devices, learning the dangers of watching porn, and checking in regularly with him.
Also, create rules around when and where your husband can view pornography so you can avoid arguments about it (e.g., no watching online videos at work or when kids are home).
Discuss whether the kids should be allowed to use the computer or cell phone after certain hours of the night, so they’re not exposed to inappropriate images.
8. Encourage him to get help
Many men have problems with dirty stuff and don’t know how to deal with it independently.
Suggest counseling for his addiction — even if he refuses initially, keep offering until he agrees.
Ask him if he wants to go to counseling together or separately.
If he says yes, go with him if he wants you there, or wait until he goes alone first and then try again later if he still wants you to come along.
Find a counselor who specializes in helping men who struggle with dirty stuff issues, or visit an online support group.
Most men watch porn, and many women accept it as part of life.
But when your husband watches porn, it affects you both.
It can affect his health, happiness, and productivity at work and your sex life with him.
I hope you enjoyed reading this article and that it answers your questions.
Remember to be loving and patient with your husband through his rehabilitation journey.
Hopefully, he’ll pull through, and you will be great together again.
