A lot of us women battle with body image issues thanks to motherhood, and no thanks to social media that’s constantly flooded with pictures of perfect-looking women who somehow have flat stomachs, zero stretch marks, slim body, and eyelashes that can fly a plane.
We know most of it is filters and angles.
Still, it gets to us.
And for many of us, one of the things that helps, really helps, is affirmation from our husbands.
When the man you love looks at you, even with your postpartum pouch, your tired eyes, your baby fat, your undone hair, and says, “You’re still the most beautiful woman I know,” it does something to you.
It reminds you that you are still desirable.
But when he stops desiring you, you just start acting differently.
Because being undesired by your own husband hurts.
It makes you question your worth, your beauty, your femininity, even if you were once the most confident woman in the room.
And so, slowly, you begin to do things.
Little things.
Big things.
Sometimes, destructive things.
All pointing to one truth: “I don’t feel wanted anymore.”
This post is about those things.
When a Woman Feels Undesired by Her Husband, She Starts Doing These 6 Things
1. She stops trying to look good for him
I know this sounds anti-feminist, and as a feminist, it sounds like sacrilege..lol.
A woman should look good for herself, not for a man’s gaze.
But dearies, this isn’t any male, this is her husband, her person, her one-man audience.
The one who sees her in every form: makeup or not, wig or scarf, waist trainer or loose dresses, and most importantly, NAKED!
And just like I expect a woman to keep showing up in her marriage, I expect the same from the man.
She shouldn’t be the only one doing the looking good and smelling nice.
He should too…
So when a woman starts feeling undesired by her husband, the motivation to look good for him begins to fade.
Not because she’s “letting herself go,” like society loves to accuse us women, but because what’s the point?
Why put effort into looking beautiful if the man she wants to impress doesn’t even notice?
Why wear that red lipstick if he won’t look up from his phone?
Why dress up in that lace nightie if he’s going to roll over and snore?
There’ll be chaos if I wear new lingerie and my husband doesn’t notice.
But he usually notices, so God is helping him. 🤣
And of course, I’m always excited to show him my newly done manicure.
Sometimes, I ask him to pick a color, and some other times, we go to the nail spa together.
I can’t imagine a woman going to such lengths to look good only to be ignored by the man whose compliments should matter most.
It’s not surprising if she stops trying to look good for him because it’s a defense mechanism, not laziness.
She’s protecting herself from the disappointment of trying and being invisible.
“If I don’t put in effort and he doesn’t notice, at least I wasn’t expecting him to.”
And the irony is that this often exacerbates the problem.
The less effort she puts in, the less he notices her, which confirms her belief that he doesn’t desire her anyway.
But then… she might still look good—for herself, for her selfies, for strangers on Instagram, and for the girlfriend who always hypes her.
Women don’t stop desiring to be seen.
We just stop chasing attention from the person who’s constantly ignoring us.
2. She Starts Seeking Validation from Other Men
This woman is not trying to cheat.
Maybe not physically, at least not yet, but emotionally?
Absolutely!
When a woman feels unappreciated by her husband and does not receive validation at home, she becomes increasingly receptive to attention from other men.
She doesn’t just enjoy the compliments, she craves them.
She’s not just passively receiving these compliments; she’s creating opportunities for them because they make her feel like a desirable woman again.
This is dangerous territory, and I must confess it’s not innocent.
When you’re starving for validation from your husband and another man starts feeding you compliments, attention, and that feeling of being desired, you don’t just accidentally fall into an affair.
No sis, you choose it.
Step by step, compliment by compliment, conversation by conversation, boundary by boundary.
Because it feels so incredible to be wanted again, to be pursued, to feel attractive and desirable.
And when you’re getting that rush from someone else, going home to a husband who doesn’t even look up when you walk in the room feels even more devastating by comparison.
This is exactly how emotional affairs begin.
This is how women who “never thought they’d be that type” end up crossing lines they swore they’d never cross.
This is how “it just happened” actually happens, only that it doesn’t just happen.
Feeling desired is intoxicating, and when you can’t find it at home, the temptation to seek it elsewhere becomes overwhelming.
I’m not saying this to shame women who find themselves in this position.
I understand the pain of feeling invisible in your own marriage.
All I am saying is we need to call this what it is: the beginning of infidelity.
Because once a woman starts getting her emotional needs met by another man, saving the marriage becomes a thousand times harder.
3. She Starts Fantasizing About Other Lives
Many of us know what a happy marriage should look like.
Laughter.
Late-night talks.
Warm hugs.
Random kisses.
Pillow talks.
Being held like you’re still the woman he chose.
And yes, having tough conversations.
Being undesired by your husband surely doesn’t feature in that picture.
Nope.
When reality starts to look nothing like the marriage she envisioned, a woman does what many of us have been quietly trained to do:
She escapes….in her mind.
It’s natural for the mind to wander to alternatives when reality feels hopeless.
It’s initially subtle.
She sees another couple holding hands at the mall and feels a sharp ache.
She reads a romance novel and imagines what it would feel like to be pursued again.
She starts watching those emotional reels and relationship skits and thinking, “God, when?”
Then the daydreams get bolder.
She imagines how peaceful it would be to live alone or how freeing it might feel to start over in another country.
Or what it would be like to be married to someone who still looks at her like she’s magic.
And no, she’s not necessarily planning a divorce.
She’s not even planning to leave.
But she’s mentally checking out because staying present in a marriage where your husband doesn’t notice you is emotionally suffocating.
So she starts picturing other versions of her life because this one hurts too much to be in.
4. She Throws Herself into Other Areas of Her Life
If you’re a loyal reader of this blog, you’ll know how much I emphasize that women should have a life.
And not just a life built around their husband, kids, or relationship, but a life of their own.
One of the things this does for you is that it helps you cope with emotional voids and disappointments in your marriage without losing yourself completely.
But when a woman feels unwanted in her marriage, sometimes this “getting a life” becomes less about healthy independence and more about escape.
It’s an attempt at drowning her pain in productivity.
She throws herself into her career; if she has kids, she’ll become extremely involved with them.
She might even take night classes, start a business, launch a YouTube channel, sign up for fitness boot camps, start mentoring five people, and journal every morning at 5 a.m., as if her life depended on it.
She fills her life with so much activity that she doesn’t have time to think about how lonely she feels in her marriage.
The problem is that all this activity takes even more energy and attention away from the marriage, making the distance between them even greater.
She’s so busy being successful and needed everywhere else that there’s nothing left for home.
See, having a life outside your marriage is absolutely essential, but using that life to completely avoid addressing problems in your marriage is just a delayed disaster.
You can stay busy enough to forget the pain temporarily, but you can’t stay busy enough to make it disappear permanently.
Eventually, you’ll have to face the fact that your marriage is broken.
And by then, you might be so absorbed in your separate life that fixing the marriage feels less important than protecting the life you’ve built without him.
5. She Builds an Emotional Wall Around Herself
Really, can you blame her?
It takes two to tango. It takes two to make a marriage what it should be.
No matter how amazing you are, your enthusiasm and zeal cannot sustain a marriage alone.
When someone repeatedly makes you feel unwanted, you start protecting your heart by pulling back emotionally.
You stop sharing your thoughts and feelings with him, you stop looking to him for emotional support, you stop confiding in him about your day, your dreams, your fears….
You build walls around your heart to protect yourself from more hurt.
It’s just a natural defense mechanism.
When you keep reaching out emotionally and getting nothing back, or worse, getting dismissed or ignored, you eventually stop reaching.
You learn to handle your own emotions or find other people to confide in.
You stop expecting your husband to be your emotional partner because he’s shown you repeatedly that he’s not available for that role.
You literally become a big girl.
Emotional walls are good at keeping hurt out, but they also keep love out.
Once those walls are up, even if he finally starts trying to connect with you, you have already protected yourself so well that his efforts bounce right off.
Because you have learned to live without his emotional support, you no longer need it.
At this point, many marriages reach a point of no return.
6. She Starts Making Exit Plans (Even If She Doesn’t Realize It)
Not every woman can live a life of suffering and smiling.
Some women fake it.
Some endure it.
But others start planning their escape, even if they don’t call it that yet.
No time to check time.
This doesn’t mean she’s planning to file for divorce tomorrow.
However, every woman knows that a marriage where she feels unwanted isn’t sustainable forever, so it’s wise for her to start subconsciously preparing for a life without her husband.
She might go back to school or focus more on her career, start building stronger friendships and support systems outside the marriage, because you need every support you can get.
She might start getting her finances in order or researching job opportunities in another city.
And of course, she’s researching what divorce would look like….custody arrangements, financial implications, living situations, dating again…
Whatever she can do to prepare for a life without a spouse, “just in case.”
And the more prepared she becomes to live without him, the less invested she becomes in fighting for the marriage.
The more independent she becomes, the less willing she is to tolerate being treated like she doesn’t matter.
Eventually, leaving starts feeling less scary than staying in a relationship where she feels invisible.
Because she’s already proven to herself that she can survive without his attention, his desire, his love.
She’s built a life that doesn’t require him to notice her or want her.
And once a woman reaches that level of emotional and practical independence from a marriage that’s not serving her, the marriage is in serious danger.
Because she’s no longer just fantasizing about leaving.
She’s actually capable of it.
If you’re a husband reading this and recognizing your wife in any of these behaviors, please understand that she’s not doing these things to punish you or manipulate you.
She’s doing them because she’s hurting.
Every single one of these behaviors is a response to feeling undesired and unloved in her own marriage.
The longer these patterns persist, the more difficult it becomes to reverse them.
If you’re a wife reading this and seeing yourself in these behaviors, I want you to know that your feelings are valid.
Feeling undesired by your husband is genuinely painful, and these responses are normal ways that people cope with that kind of hurt.
But I also want you to know that some of these coping mechanisms can actually make the problem worse.
If there’s any part of you that still wants to fight for your marriage, you’re going to need to be willing to be vulnerable one more time.
To have the hard conversation about what you need.
To risk being hurt again in hopes of things changing.
Here’s what I wish every couple understood: feeling undesired in marriage isn’t just about sex or physical attraction.
It’s about feeling seen, valued, chosen, and cherished by your spouse.
It’s about feeling like you matter to the person who matters most to you.
When that’s missing, people don’t just accept it quietly.
They respond in ways that often make the problem worse, creating distance and resentment that can eventually destroy the marriage entirely.
Good thing is, most of these patterns can be reversed if both people are willing to do the work.
If husbands can learn to see their wives again, to pursue them, to make them feel desired and valued.
If wives can learn to communicate their needs directly instead of withdrawing or attacking.
If both people can remember why they fell in love in the first place, and decide that their marriage is worth fighting for.
Because feeling undesired in marriage doesn’t have to be permanent.
But it requires both people to recognize the problem and commit to changing the patterns that created it.
The question is, are you both willing to do that work before it’s too late?