If a man slapped his wife or embarrassed her in public, nobody would need a marriage counselor to explain that all was not well.
But not every unhappy marriage is that obvious.
Sometimes, the signs are in the things a man keeps saying to his wife.
The words may not sound dramatic enough for outsiders to notice, but when you hear them over and over, you realize this man is no longer fighting for his marriage.
I’m not saying that because a man says one terrible thing during an argument, you should immediately conclude that your marriage is over.
Marriage will occasionally bring out vocabulary you didn’t know was living inside you. 😂
What matters is the pattern.
A man may never sit you down and say, “I’m tired of this marriage.”
Sometimes, he says it in these seven other ways.
A Man Who Says These 7 Things Has Lost Respect for His Marriage
1. “I don’t owe you any explanation”
Errm, actually, you do, sir.
On Sunday, during our Family Matters program in church, I talked about how marriage is hard because you have to consider another person.
You cannot just do whatever you like, whenever you like.
You cannot disappear for hours, change important plans, spend a large amount of money, or make decisions that affect the family, then act as if your wife is disturbing you when she asks questions.
That is one of the sacrifices marriage demands.
When you are single, you can wake up and decide to travel to another city without explaining yourself to anybody.
But once you are married, another person’s life is connected to yours.
So yes, you owe your spouse an explanation.
A man who respects his marriage understands that he is no longer living as an island. Saying, “I don’t owe you any explanation,” is not strength or leadership.
It is the language of a man who resents being accountable to the woman he married.
2. “If you don’t like it, leave”
Definitely, you don’t want the marriage anymore.
Why do you keep telling your wife to leave every time she complains?
A man who values his marriage does not threaten its existence whenever his wife raises an uncomfortable issue.
Even if he disagrees with her, his first instinct will not always be to end the marriage.
“If you don’t like it, leave” is what people say when they don’t want to change, explain themselves, or take responsibility.
It means, “I plan to continue doing what hurts you, so your only choices are to tolerate it or remove yourself.”
That is plain arrogance.
The danger of repeatedly telling someone to leave is that one day she may finally listen.
By then, you’ll be shocked and start to tell everyone, “She just woke up one morning and left me.”
No, she didn’t.
You had been showing her the door for years.
She finally found the courage to walk through it.
3. “My mother never complained about these things”
But you didn’t marry your mother.
Your mother is your mother, and your wife is your wife.
They are two different women with different personalities, needs, limits, backgrounds, and life experiences.
Some men bring up their mothers whenever their wives ask them to do better.
“My mother cooked every day.”
“My mother never asked my father to help with the children.”
“My mother never complained about money.”
“My mother tolerated worse than this.”
Okay, congratulations to Mummy, but what exactly is your point?
Also, are you sure she never complained, or she kept quiet because nobody would listen?
Many women in older generations endured unfair situations because they had limited choices.
They were taught that being a good wife meant staying quiet and staying in the marriage no matter how unhappy they were.
Silence is not always satisfaction.
Your mother may have carried the entire family on her back without complaining, but that doesn’t mean your wife must repeat the same suffering to prove she is a good woman.
A man who respects his marriage listens to the woman he married.
He does not use his mother’s sacrifices to dismiss his wife’s needs or shame her for having boundaries.
If your mother’s way of doing everything is the only way you can accept, perhaps you were not looking for a wife.
You were looking for your mother in a younger body.
4. “What do you even contribute to this marriage?”
Many men say this when they earn more money than their wives, and this is one reason being a full-time housewife with no income of my own will never sit well with me.
I understand that it works beautifully for some women, and every marriage is different.
But personally, I never want to be in a position where someone can look at me during an argument and act like I contribute nothing because I don’t bring home a salary.
Some men have very short memories when they are angry.
Cooking, cleaning, managing the home, remembering appointments, planning meals, hosting relatives, doing school runs, providing emotional support, and making sure everybody’s life runs smoothly are all nothing.
Because those things don’t come with a payslip.
It is funny how a man can enjoy the comfort his wife’s unpaid labor creates every day and still ask, “What do you even contribute?”
Start doing all of these things, and then come back after one month and tell us whether those things have value.
A husband who respects his marriage will never erase everything his wife does simply because her contribution doesn’t show up as a bank alert.
5. “I can do whatever I want; I’m the man”
Really?
I know there are many things men get away with that women would be dragged from here to Jerusalem for.
A married man stays out until midnight without telling his wife where he is, and people say, “Men will be men.”
Let a married woman try it.
Before she gets home, both families will have created a WhatsApp group to discuss her behavior.
Yes, society gives men more freedom than women, but that does not mean a married man can do whatever he likes.
Marriage will inconvenience you sometimes.
That is what you signed up for.
Being the man does not mean you are the family dictator.
If you claim to be the head, you should carry more responsibility, not collect more freedom to misbehave.
6. “I don’t care how you feel”
No man who wants to stay happily married says this to his wife.
If you don’t care how your wife feels, what exactly do you care about in the marriage?
Her cooking?
Her body?
The children she gave you?
The fact that she makes your life easier?
You may not always understand her feelings, but telling her you don’t care is cruel.
And please, don’t say, “I was angry when I said it.”
Anger may explain why you said it, but it doesn’t erase the damage.
Marriage cannot survive on money, children, bills, and matching outfits alone.
Your spouse needs to know that her feelings matter to you, even when they are inconvenient.
7. “I’m only here because of the children.”
Children are a blessing, but they should never be the only reason two people are still calling themselves husband and wife.
What happens when those children grow up and leave?
You’ll be left with the person you’ve spent years tolerating.
That statement is painful because it tells a wife, “If not for these children, I would have left you.”
I understand that children can make couples think twice before walking away.
Of course they can. Marriage decisions affect the whole family.
But there is a difference between saying, “Our children are one of the reasons I want us to fight for this marriage,” and saying, “They are the only reason I’m still here.”
Those are two very different things.
And nobody wants to feel like a burden their spouse is carrying until the children are old enough to leave home.
Married people get angry.
We lose our temper and sometimes hurt each other with words we genuinely regret.
But there is a difference between making a mistake and building a lifestyle around disrespect.
A man who respects his marriage will care when his words hurt his wife.
He will apologize and change how he speaks.
If a man wants his marriage to last, he cannot keep speaking to his wife as if she is lucky to be there.
One day, she may realize she would be luckier somewhere else.
