”Why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it?”
Breakups are tricky.
Even when you’re the one who wanted it to end, it can still feel like a punch to the gut.
Breakups are about more than just your feelings for each other.
They’re also about your identity and self-worth — your sense of who you are and what you deserve.
When someone ends a relationship with you, they say they don’t think you’re good enough or worthy enough for them.
That’s an insult to your ego, no matter how much you knew the relationship wasn’t working for either of you.
But when it’s your decision to end things instead, it can feel like a validation of yourself — like “I’m capable of recognizing when something isn’t working and doing something about it.”
Yet, it still hurts.
So, why do breakups hurt even when you wanted it?
Here’s why:
Why Do Breakups Hurt Even When You Wanted It?
- You are losing something important to you
The loss of that person or your relationship with them can be painful because the relationship was important to you.
You invested time, energy, and emotion into it.
This is what makes breakups so difficult even though you are the dumper.
The other person has become a part of your identity since they have known you so well and vice versa.
So when you leave them, it feels like a part of yourself has been ripped away from inside you, leaving an emptiness where they used to be.
2. You still have feelings for your partner
Breakups are never easy, even when you know it’s for the best.
Even though you may have wanted the relationship to end, it’s still tough to see things come to an end.
This is because, deep down, you still have feelings for your partner.
No matter how much pain they may have caused you, a part of you still wants to hold on and hope for the best.
Unfortunately, breakups often happen for a reason, and it’s important to remember that it’s best to move on.
Though it may be tough at the moment, eventually, you’ll be able to look back and see that the breakup was for the best.
3. The breakup triggered past hurtful experiences
The pain of a breakup can be intensified even for the dumper because breakups trigger past hurtful experiences, reminding us of all the other times we’ve been rejected or abandoned.
If you’ve been through many failed relationships or grew up in a broken home, the hurt from your current breakup can trigger those old painful memories.
It’s important to deal with these feelings head-on and not try to bottle them up.
Talk to a friend or therapist about what you’re going through and why the breakup affects you more than usual.
Working through these feelings will help you heal and move on from your current relationship.
4. Breakups force us to confront our feelings of insecurity and self-doubt
When a relationship ends, we are forced to confront our feelings of insecurity and self-doubt.
We may start to question our worthiness, wondering if we will ever find someone who will love us unconditionally.
These feelings can be tough to deal with, but remember that you are worthy of love and happiness.
No one is perfect, and we all have our insecurities, but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be loved.
5. You’ve lost a source of comfort and support
When you go through a breakup, you have to deal with not just the loss of a romantic partner.
You may have also lost a source of comfort and support.
Even if the relationship wasn’t working out, adjusting to life without your ex is still hard.
You may feel lonely and isolated, especially if you used to spend a lot of time together.
6. Guilt over hurting your ex and guilt over how you handled the breakup
Guilt is a common emotion experienced after a breakup, even when the split was mutual, or you were the one who initiated it.
Guilt over hurting your ex’s feelings and guilt over how you handled the breakup can plague you long after the relationship has ended.
What do you do?
-Acknowledge your guilt.
Don’t try to push your feelings away or ignore them.
Accepting that you feel guilty is an important first step in dealing with those emotions.
– Talk about your guilt.
Whether you talk to a friend, family member, therapist, or counselor, putting your feelings into words can help you start to work through them.
– Write about your guilt.
Sometimes, it can be helpful to express your emotions in writing.
Writing can be a cathartic way to release your feelings of guilt and begin to move on.
– Give yourself time and space.
Don’t expect to overcome your guilt overnight.
Be patient with yourself and allow yourself the time and space to heal.
7. Anger at yourself or your ex for not doing things differently
Anger is a common emotion felt after a breakup, even when the split was amicable.
This anger is usually directed at ourselves or our ex-partners for not doing things differently.
We may be angry that we didn’t realize what was happening in the relationship sooner or that we didn’t fight harder to make things work.
We may also be angry with our ex for not changing their behavior, even though we asked them to.
This kind of anger can be constructive, leading us to reflect on what we want from future relationships.
However, it can also be destructive, making us bitter and resentful.
It’s important to try and positively channel this anger; otherwise, it can lead to further hurt down the line.
8. You are in a confusing mix of wanting to move on and get back together
Breakups hurt even when you want it because you are in a confusing mix of wanting to move on and get back together.
You want to be over them, but then they do something that makes you question everything.
You miss them, but then you remember why you broke up in the first place.
You think about what could have been, but then you realize it’s better this way.
Ultimately, breakups are always confusing and hurtful, even when you know it’s for the best.
9. Shock at being alone again and fighting the fear of loneliness
A lot of times, we build our lives around someone, especially when we’re in a long-term relationship.
And when that relationship ends, it’s like a shock to the system.
We have to re-learn how to do things alone.
We have to fill up our time with new things and new people.
It’s scary at first, but eventually, you realize that you can be happy on your own.
You don’t need someone else to complete you.
And that’s an amazing feeling.
But getting to that point is often painful, and it takes time.
So if you’re going through a breakup, give yourself some time to mourn the loss and start looking forward to what could be.
You might be surprised at how great you can feel all by yourself until the right person comes along.
10. Reality that this breakup is real and final
One of the hardest things about breakups is accepting that it’s really over.
Even when you know a breakup is for the best, it can still be painful to realize that your relationship is actually over.
You might wonder what could have been or feel sadness and regret over the end of something that was once so special.
However, remember that breakups are a natural part of life; everyone goes through them at some point.
While it might not be easy, try to focus on the positive aspects of your life and be grateful for the lessons you’ve learned from your past relationships.
With time, you’ll be able to move on and find happiness again.
