A lot of divorced men suddenly become marriage experts after their wives leave them.
These are the same men who couldn’t remember their anniversary, never helped with the kids, treated their wives like live-in housekeepers for years, and acted like their wives needed the marriage more than they did.
But the moment those divorce papers are signed, you’ll see them posting on Facebook about how marriage is precious and men need to cherish their women.
Suddenly, they’re giving relationship advice to their friends about how important it is to appreciate your wife.
They become the poster boys for “happy wife, happy life.”
Where was all this wisdom when they were actually married?
Why does it take losing everything to realize what they had?
I’ve been watching this pattern for years, and I’m convinced some men are just wired backwards when it comes to relationships.
They don’t know what they have until it’s gone.
Let’s talk about why some men appreciate their wives only after they’ve divorced:
5 Reasons Some Men Only Appreciate Their Wives After Divorce
1. Divorce Shatters the Illusion That He Could Do Better
The grass is always greener on the other side until you actually have to maintain that grass yourself.
And that’s exactly what happens to a lot of men who thought their wives were holding them back from something better.
They had this fantasy that their wife was the reason they weren’t living their best life.
That somewhere out there was a woman who would love them better and make them happier.
Hehehe!
This is why I tell people not to wish they married their good ex.
There’s a reason it didn’t work out with them.
Even if your marriage is not the way you pictured it, it doesn’t mean life with your ex would have been great either.
So for these men we’re talking about, when the marriage finally ends, maybe because he leaves or because she gets tired of his nonsense, he thinks he’s about to enter this amazing new chapter.
Finally, he’s free to find that perfect woman.
Wow.
Hellooo reality, is that you?
Dude will discover that dating in your 40s as a divorced man with baggage is not the same as dating in your 20s as a young bachelor with potential.
The women he thought would be lining up to date him?
They have options.
They have standards, and they’re not desperate for any man who pays attention to them.
In fact, they probably see him as a middle-aged divorced man who couldn’t even keep his marriage together, not some catch they’ve been waiting for.
The dating apps that were supposed to be full of available women are actually full of women looking for men who have their lives together, not men who are starting over after failing at marriage.
Now he realises the things his wife used to nag him about are what the new women he’s trying to date expect as basic requirements.
They expect him to be emotionally available, to communicate well, to be responsible, to be considerate.
They expect him to have learned how to be a good partner from his previous relationship.
When they find out he hasn’t, they move on to someone who has.
So now he’s sitting alone in his apartment, eating takeout for the fifth night this week, realizing that his wife wasn’t the problem.
He was.
She wasn’t holding him back from better women.
She was the best woman who was willing to put up with his nonsense.
And now that she’s gone, he’s discovering that the fantasy life he thought he was missing was never real.
The grass isn’t greener on the other side, bro.
It just looks that way when you’re not the one who has to water it.
2. He Finally Has Time to Reflect and Regret Kicks In
I learned something in Consumer Psychology class as an undergraduate called “buyer’s remorse.”
It’s that sinking feeling you get after making a big purchase when you realize you didn’t really need it or it wasn’t as good as you thought it would be.
Like when you trade in your reliable car for something flashy and new, only to realize the old car was actually perfect for your needs.
A lot of divorced men experience this.
Except instead of buyer’s remorse, it’s “leaver’s remorse.”
During marriage, especially when things get difficult, these men are so busy focusing on what’s wrong that they can’t see what’s right.
But divorce gives them something they didn’t have before: distance.
You know distance brings clarity.
I remember when my husband travelled for two weeks, I appreciated him more for taking out the bigger trash.
I didn’t know how stressful it was until I had to do it.
I also appreciated him more for dropping off the kids at school every morning.
I did it and I couldn’t do it for three days out of the two weeks.
That’s what distance does; it helps you reflect.
So when Mr Divorced man is living alone in his apartment, he has time to think and remember.
Time to reflect on what his life was actually like when he was married.
He remembers how she used to pack his lunch with little notes…
how she made sure he had clean clothes for important meetings…
how she dealt with his difficult family members so he didn’t have to….
how she created a warm home that he looked forward to coming back to…
how she was his biggest cheerleader when he was going through tough times at work…
All those things he took for granted start feeling precious now that they’re gone.
Well, the reflection and regret might teach him to be better in his next relationship, but it might be too late to save the one he threw away.
That’s the price of taking good things for granted.
3. He Realizes the World Outside Is Not as Sweet as He Thought
Believe me, I don’t envy the singles in the dating market right now.
It’s a complete jungle out there.
Men who’ve been married for years have no idea what they’re walking into when they decide to get back to the dating scene.
Dating apps where you’re competing with hundreds of other men for one woman’s attention.
Women who’ve been hurt so many times they have walls higher than the Berlin Wall.
People who ghost you after three good dates for no reason at all.
Or is it situationships that go nowhere because nobody wants to commit to anything?
It’s all games, mind games, and more games.
When he was married, he thought being single meant freedom. (We all (sometimes) do). Lol
No one telling him what to do, no responsibilities, no compromises, no commitment.
Just him living his best life, dating whoever he wanted, doing whatever he pleased.
But soon, he’ll realize that modern dating is work.
Exhausting, time-consuming, expensive, emotionally draining work.
Imagine starting the talking stage over and over again.
Meanwhile, his ex-wife knew him so well, even his favorite coffee order.
She had seen him at his worst and still chose to love him.
Now he’s on dates where he has to impress and pretend to be the best version of himself for hours.
Suddenly, the woman he had at home, the one who loved him despite his flaws, who supported him through everything, who created a home for him, seems like the treasure she always was.
And he’s left swiping right, hoping someone will give him a fraction of what he threw away.
It’s so hard to pity men like this.
4. The Kids Start Asking Questions He Can’t Answer
You know, when men decide to blow up their marriages chasing fantasies, they usually don’t think about how they’re going to explain it to their children.
They’re so focused on what they want that they forget their kids are going to need answers for why Daddy doesn’t live with Mommy anymore.
And children ask the hard questions.
Oh, those humans can wear you out with questions, and they say the darnedest things!
The questions that cut straight through all the excuses and justifications adults use to make themselves feel better about their choices.
“Daddy, why did you leave us?”
“Did you stop loving Mommy?”
“Is it my fault you don’t live here anymore?”
“Why can’t you just say sorry and come back home?”
“Do you love your new girlfriend more than us?”
Try explaining to a 7-year-old that you left their mother because you weren’t “fulfilled” in your marriage or you needed “space to find yourself” when all they know is that their family is broken.
How do you convince a teenager that you’re happier now when they can see the pain in their mother’s eyes every day?
Children see things simply.
Daddy was here, now he’s not.
The family was together, but now it’s broken.
Mommy used to smile more, but now she cries when she thinks no one is looking.
Simple!
And they want to know why.
Some men don’t realize until it’s too late that their kids won’t remember why the marriage ended.
They’ll just remember that Daddy chose to leave and that when things got hard, instead of fighting for the family, he walked away.
And that’s a lesson that stays with children forever.
And most men will regret it.
4. Everyone Around Him Starts Telling the Truth
When a man is married and acting like a fool, people usually keep their opinions to themselves.
Just like I keep my opinions to myself about other people’s children, I mind my business when it comes to others’ marriages as well.
So also people stay quiet when a man takes his wife for granted.
They don’t say anything when he’s clearly not appreciating what he has.
Because it’s basic courtesy, you don’t interfere in other people’s marriages.
It’s not your place to tell a man how to treat his wife.
Everyone only hopes he’ll figure it out on his own before it’s too late.
But once the divorce papers are signed, all bets are off.
Everyone who watched him destroy his marriage has permission to speak their minds and tell him what an *sshole he really is.
That she wasn’t the problem.
That he had something good and threw it away.
It’s like the whole world was just waiting for the divorce to become final so they could tell him what they really thought.
And what they really thought was that he was an idiot who lost the best thing that ever happened to him.
5. He Confused Her Strength for Invincibility
A lot of men marry strong women.
Women who handle everything, solve problems, keep the family running, manage crises with grace….
Most men usually think their strong wives don’t need anything from them.
After all, she’s so capable, so independent, so strong, a solid babe, surely she doesn’t need romance or emotional support.
She can handle everything on her own, right?
Wrong.
Strong women aren’t superhuman.
They just make it look easy because they’re used to carrying heavy loads.
But even the strongest and most independent woman needs to feel loved and supported by her partner.
She wants to know her husband still desires her.
When men mistake strength for invincibility, they stop nurturing the relationship because they think it doesn’t need nurturing.
Only after divorce do they realize that their “strong” wife was actually slowly dying inside from neglect.
Her strength was often just her way of coping with loneliness in her own marriage.
I read somewhere that good men create soft women, but bad men create strong women.
We’re tired of being strong; we want to be soft!
Life is hard already!
The saddest part about all of this is how preventable it is.
Most of these marriages could have been saved if the men had learned these lessons while they were still married, rather than after.
If they had put in the effort to understand their wives while they still had them, instead of waiting until they were gone to realize what they’d lost.
But some people only learn through loss.
Some people only appreciate light after they’ve lived in darkness.
Some men only understand the value of a good woman after they’ve lost her and had to live without her.
If you’re a man reading this and you recognize yourself, it’s not too late.
If your wife is still there, still trying, still hoping you’ll see her and value her, wake up.
Don’t wait until she’s packing her bags to realize what you have.
Don’t become another divorced man posting about appreciating women while the woman who loved you most is building a new life without you.
Because once she’s done, she’s done.
And all the appreciation in the world won’t bring back what you took for granted.
I’m not saying every man regrets their divorce.
But for those who do, these are usually the major reasons.