Can your affair partner be using you?
I know it sounds weird, but it happens, and it is quite an uncomfortable and unpleasant situation to be in.
Relationships can be complicated, and people find love and acceptance in the least likely places sometimes.
You may be having an affair with someone who has a legitimate partner but claims they are committed to you and want to be with you.
Maybe a married man or woman who says they are about to go through a divorce and are choosing you instead.
Or you may even be the one who has a primary relationship or marriage but still finds companionship and “love” with someone else.
Although having an affair with someone does not exactly reflect great choices from you or that you respect people’s relationships, that may just be your current reality.
You may be in an affair that you enjoy.
However, no matter how emotionally invested you are in your affair partner, you should respect and prioritize yourself, too.
This is why it is important to know and be able to recognize the signs your affair partner is using you.
Your affair partner may just be using you and have no intentions of taking you seriously.
Here’s how to find out:
12 Signs Your Affair Partner Is Using You
1. Everything revolves around them
In any relationship where one party makes everything about themselves alone, there is an unhealthy level of imbalance.
Relationships, regardless of how unconventional, are about two people and not one.
If both parties have chosen to start the relationship and commit to each other, then there should be mutual respect.
There should be a healthy level of consideration for each other’s feelings, thoughts, and life in general.
If your affair partner always makes everything about them, something is very wrong.
They make decisions only based on their convenience.
They only want to see you when it’s suitable for them, and they don’t consider your plans or thoughts at all.
That’s a bad sign.
The world does not revolve around them, and neither should everything in your relationship.
2. They only call you when they need you
Nothing screams that you’re being used louder than someone only calling you when they need you.
They’re always MIA every other time, and even when you need them, they always have a reason not to be there for you.
But when they need something from you, they find their way back to you.
If you didn’t already know, I’m letting you know that you are being used.
They may have legitimate reasons and commitments keeping them busy, but if you are a priority, they will create time for you.
And they will not call you and see you only when they need something from you.
3. They hide you from everyone
I know that affairs are unconventional relationships, so most times, they are kept a secret.
But if they keep you secret from every single person in their life, that’s a bad thing.
If you mean something to them and they’re proud of you, they will introduce you to at least a few people in their life.
An even greater level of deception is if they have told you that they’re getting a divorce or leaving their current partner, yet, they still keep hiding you from everyone.
That can be a sign that they’re not leaving them, and they’re just using you in the meantime until they don’t need you anymore.
But that might be the truth.
4. They don’t take you out
Nice dates, hangouts, and fancy outings are a normal part of every relationship.
They are part of what makes a relationship fun, interesting, and exciting.
But if you are being used, you may be getting none of those.
They will not take you out on dates, and even when you initiate one, they will fail to show up.
They don’t want to be seen around you and only want to be with you behind closed doors.
That’s a red flag and a very serious sign that you are only being used, and it is not a healthy relationship.
5. They give you specific times to call
If your affair partner controls the contacts, it’s another sign that your affair partner might be using you.
To control the contact means that they solely determine when you can call and text them.
Understandably, they may have a busy life and work schedule.
And there may be a need for boundaries around things like work and children.
But if you are never allowed to call or text, even in emergencies, you are surely on your own.
6. They are not vulnerable with you
They may be hanging out with you, spending some time with you, or even having sex with you, yet they still keep vital aspects of their lives away from you.
It is a deep form of connection and openness where your partner opens up to you about their innermost thoughts, plans, desires, and even fears.
If they are keeping all of these from you, they don’t see you as someone they can open up to.
It could mean a lot of things, and none of them are good.
It means that they do not trust you, are not comfortable with you, or are just using you.
On the flip side, they may be too vulnerable with you.
Dumping all of their emotional baggage on you and using sexual intimacy with you as a form of release from their issues but not truly connecting with you.
This may seem like vulnerability, but it is not true vulnerability and is still a bad sign.
7. You make all the efforts
You always have to be the one setting appointments, creating time for you both to hang out, making the sacrifices, and so on.
This is a major sign that you are being used.
You get to do all the work while they just reap the rewards.
If you do not put in the effort, they won’t either, and they will just let things die off.
This shows that you never matter to them as much as you think you do.
8. They don’t speak with the future in view
From the way they communicate with you and what they say about their future, you can tell if you are there for a long time or just for a good time.
If they never discuss their plans with you or they discuss them but never mention you in the picture, you can tell where you stand.
They don’t talk about keys to their place, going on vacations together, meeting each other’s parents, or being there for important events.
If they never speak of the future with you in it, then you know they are just using you for now and not really thinking beyond that.
You shouldn’t be surprised, though; that’s the purpose affairs usually serve.
9. They silence you with gifts
Your affair partner can be showering you with money and presents yet to be using you.
Never mistake gifts and material things for genuine intentions.
Particularly if they use the gifts as a means to keep you silent.
They want to stop you from complaining about their unavailability and weak commitment to you.
If you have noticed this pattern of them disappointing you repeatedly only to show up with gifts just to keep you silent, you probably have a strong sign there that you’re only being used.
10. They do not respect you
Canceling at the last minute, manipulating you, not listening to you, talking disrespectfully to you, not prioritizing you, leading you on with plans, and not following through.
All these are signs that they do not respect you.
And if your affair partner does not respect you, it can be because they do not have any serious plans to be with you.
Maybe they’re just keeping you around in the meantime while they find someone else or fix their marriage or relationship.
11. They keep taking from you
You know, one of the reasons people engage in affairs is so that they can get something from the other person.
It could be money, sex, gifts, connection, validation, or something else.
But instead of getting any of these things, you are the one who keeps giving.
They are using you for their own needs.
12. They openly flirt with other people
I know it sounds ironic that you expect someone who is cheating on their partner to be faithful and loyal to you.
But then, you’d think someone who is already cheating with you on their partner should have their hands full with you.
However, if they are openly flirting with other people and showing little regard for your feelings, it shows that you are just one of their many conquests and not someone special.
What To Do If Your Affair Partner Is Using You
If, from the signs above or other signs that you have noticed, you have strong reasons to believe that your affair partner is using you, then I understand that you may feel unhappy.
However, the power ultimately lies with you to evaluate the situation and decide what’s best in your situation.
It is important to leave situations that do not serve you and avoid entanglements that hold the potential to cause people hurt and pain.
You must always be reminded that you are worthy to receive a love that is wholesome and full.
You do not have to share a partner or manage in a situation where you are not being respected and valued.