It’s often said that marriage is for two forgivers.
This implies that forgiveness is one of the key things that keep marriages going.
Conflicts and offences will come, but with effective communication and forgiveness, they will pass.
There is no love without forgiveness.
However, I have realized over time that many people seem to abuse the idea of marriage not being a bed of roses, thereby remaining in marriages that may bring about their end.
Dear woman, your marriage should never pose a threat to your well-being.
When a marriage has become toxic, it is no longer an issue of marriage not being a bed of roses.
Do not drown yourself because you have been made to understand that marriage is full of ups and downs.
What signs should you consider to make this bold step?
What are the signs you should separate from your husband?
10 Signs You Should Separate From Your Husband
Your husband is physically abusive.
This sign tops the list for me.
Domestic violence and any form of abuse should be an intolerable marital issue for any woman who values her life.
Remaining in an abusive marriage is a sign of damaged self-esteem and self-loathe.
A man who claims to love you is meant to protect your emotional interest and, as such, should never knowingly inflict pain on you.
Many women have been victims of these forms of abuse, and they lost themselves in their marriages.
I have heard of cases where abused women blame themselves for the abuse meted on them by their husbands.
“It’s all my fault. I provoked him,” they tell themselves or anyone seeking to help.
They imbibe a coping mechanism where they develop positive feelings for their abuser over time while justifying the abuse.
This is known as the Stockholm Syndrome.
They also attribute it to a spiritual attack on their marriage.
They justify their husbands’ wicked acts by praying and waiting for him to change.
Moreover, raising children in such a toxic environment is very unhealthy.
Abuse and violence become normal to them.
Dear woman, please seek help and allow yourself to be helped.
It’s best that you leave to live.
He cheats on you.
Adultery is also one of the signs that you should separate from your husband.
This is obviously a marriage where there is no longer trust and respect for the matrimony.
The ripple effects of marital infidelity are long-lasting and damaging.
You could even be exposing yourself to sexually transmitted infections and diseases.
No sexual intimacy
Sex in marriage is said to be a bonding strategy.
However, sexual intimacy fizzles out in a marriage with too many unresolved issues.
This is because physical attraction becomes a thing of the past.
When your husband treats you like trash, all the physical features that attracted you to him will no longer matter.
Also, if your husband unexplainably and consistently denies you sex and is unwilling to communicate, you should consider separation.
If there are any health problems that either of you is facing, they should be attended to as and when appropriate.
No emotional connection
Spouses who are emotionally disconnected no longer care for each other.
They no longer prioritise each other’s feelings and needs.
While married, they live as mere roommates.
They keep malice for long periods and do not watch out for each other.
Why live with someone you resent that much?
If this is the state of your marriage, this is probably a sign that you may need to live apart and work on a possible rejuvenation.
Can two work together except they agree?
No shared responsibility
The success of a marriage is a result of the joint efforts of the spouses.
This is why the Bible says that one shall chase a thousand and two shall put ten thousand to flight.
If, over time, you find yourself solely bearing the responsibilities that come with marriage or parenting, and you have communicated your discontentment at the situation, but it persists.
It’s probably a sign that you should separate to avoid frustration.
If your husband is laid back and deadbeat, you are probably better off without him.
He is a tyrant.
If you are in a marriage where every of your move is controlled and manipulated, it could be a sign that the marriage is not working.
Mutual respect is key in every marriage.
Marriage should not strip you of your freedom of speech or movement.
If you find yourself living in fear of your husband in your matrimonial home, it’s not a good sign.
Yes, there is the place of influence and accountability.
However, these should go both ways.
There is no fear in love.
Being in a marriage with such a man is like a trap, and there is no room for growth.
He talks down on you.
If your husband has no regard for you and therefore tears you down with his words, this is verbal abuse and should not be overlooked.
He makes you feel worthless and never acknowledges your input.
He throws mean words at you at will and does not care how you feel.
He consistently fails to communicate his displeasure without hurting your ego.
Disagreements in marriage should be aimed towards agreement and not further hurt.
“You are terrible in bed.”
“You brought me bad luck.”
“You can’t do anything right.”
“You are a lousy cook.”
“You are skinny and ugly.”
“Your parents did a bad job.”
No self-aware woman should continuously subject herself to this kind of ill-treatment.
Words are powerful and should not be taken lightly.
No amount of apology would erase the words that have been said.
There are irreconcilable or intolerable differences.
When there are differences that, after all, has been said and done, remain irreconcilable, and you both cannot find a middle ground, it’s probably a sign that you should stop forcing things.
I once read of a woman who runs into debt every time because she has to offset debts for her husband, who has gambling problems and has refused to get help.
She became bankrupt, and when she decided she had had enough, she was financially incapacitated.
She had to resort to seeking financial help publicly.
She said she regretted enabling him and was now paying for it.
She said she wished she left earlier when he refused help because she genuinely wanted to help him.
She, however, went about it the wrong way.
In some cases, these differences may not even be in the form of vices, just different values and belief systems that were not well communicated before marriage.
You are not included in his future plans.
If it is evident that your husband makes plans that do not prioritise you or your marriage to him, you are both probably better off without each other.
You should not be made to feel insecure and uncertain of your fate with him.
You have to be sure your husband has your back come what may.
He does not support your dreams.
Your growth will be hindered if your ambitions and aspirations are unimportant to your husband.
Spousal support is very crucial for fulfilling a married woman’s ambitions.
He wants you to build with him, but he neglects your purpose.
He never makes compromises that allow you to work towards your purpose.
Your dreams are valid, and you deserve a chance to pursue them.
Your dreams should not be alien to your husband, as he should have been aware of them and agreed to them before getting married to you.
This explains why it is important to ask pertinent questions before marriage and watch out for red flags.
I need to sound a note of warning that there will always be misunderstandings in marriage.
Don’t be quick to ask your husband out of the house or pack your belongings out of the house.
This would be very immature of you.
Explore all means of conflict resolution, process your emotions and communicate your grievances effectively.
The last thing you want is to leave your marriage only to discover that issues could have been resolved.
I make bold to say here, though, that this does not apply to a case of violence.
Leave to live!
All the same, not all marriages can be saved; not all marriages are meant to be saved.
Sometimes, letting go is the only hope of making anything meaningful out of your life.
All the best!