“Haven’t you seen Kate? See how composed she is. You should try to be like her more often….”
If you have ever heard these words or something that sounds like a comparison from your man, you would agree with me that they are very unwanted words.
These words are capable of triggering feelings of agitation, jealousy, insecurity, and inferiority.
No woman loves to hear those words from the man they love, even when they are right.
When you hear words from your man comparing you to another woman consistently, you may begin to wonder why he is comparing you to that particular woman and what to do about it.
Come along with me as we find the answers to these questions…
When Your Man Compares You To Another Woman
1. He wants to motivate you
To give this context, I will refer to my upbringing in a Nigerian household.
I don’t know who first discovered it, but most Nigerians’ secret elixir for motivation is comparing you to the nearest person whom they deem to be doing better than you.
Most of the time, they hardly even know the person, but they can just judge a good example by looking at them in public and pointing out to you how you should be more like that person.
So, I was that boy parents compared their children to.
But at home, my dad still found other people to compare me with- mostly in the movies or the news.
My point is that sometimes, your man compares you to another woman because he wants to motivate you to do better.
And because he really doesn’t know how to do this, he ends up comparing you to another person, just like my Nigerian parents.
This approach is not helpful and can be very hurtful, but just like many generations of Nigerian parents, it’s hard to change such a deep-seated habit.
If your man compares you with another and you don’t sense any malicious intent in his words, it may be that he only wants to motivate you and knows no better way to do this than comparing you with another woman.
There are better ways of making a person see the need for improvement in various aspects of their lives.
Rather than comparing you with another woman, he could rather focus on your actions.
If he sees that you are letting yourself go overweight, he could tell you, “Babe, why don’t we hit the gym together this weekend, and we could do it consistently together. It would help you stay in shape ” or something like that.
He just managed to show concern and also inform you that he is ready to work with you on getting better.
2. He is insecure
A major hallmark of insecure people is that they always find ways to make you feel worse than they do.
One major way they do this is by comparing you to other people.
When your man begins to compare you with other women, it may be a sign that he is feeling insecure in the relationship.
The cruel comparison is just a way to retain a grasp or control over the relationship.
He tried to humiliate you by constantly outlining the positive qualities of others while making you feel like you have no positive qualities.
You may also need to consider that he may actually not be trying to humiliate you.
He may just be trying to seek your attention.
Either way, it is just another action that is propelled by insecurity, and it is a terrible thing to do to someone he claims to love.
3. He is a narcissist
As a kid, the story of Narcissus seemed to be the most incredible tale of silliness.
My opinion still hasn’t changed.
Your man may be comparing you with another just because he wants you to be perfect.
Pushing a person to attain perfection is mostly not a sign of love.
Narcissists also want people who are affiliated with them to be perfect, and this is because they are so in love with themselves that everything related to them must be perfect.
This quote by W.H. Auden summarizes this perfectly.
If your man consistently tries to push you towards perfection by cruel and hurtful comparisons with another woman, it may be a sign that he is a narcissist.
4. He is manipulative
A prominent tool in a manipulative person’s bag of tricks is comparison.
This is a tool that any manipulative person knows how to wield with unsurprising skill.
When your man begins to compare you with another woman consistently, it may be an attempt to control you completely.
He tries to make you feel like you are worthless and can’t do anything right because he wants you to be pliable and amenable to any of his slightest whims.
You may not have realized this, but if it seems like every time he wants you to do something you don’t want to do, he first complains about you and compares you with another woman, it is a sign that you are in a toxic relationship with a manipulative partner.
5. He has a crush on the other woman
This is another important aspect to consider.
It may seem like the worst-case scenario, but it isn’t.
When a man has a crush on another woman, it becomes evident in how frequently he seems to speak of her.
He finds ways of bringing her into conversations, and yes, he compares her to you!
If it begins to look like everything a particular woman does is right and everything you do is wrong, you may need to consider that your man is probably crushing on another woman.
6. He is in love with her
When your man consistently compares you with a particular woman, this is actually the worst-case scenario.
If he loves her, he will always show this in the way he mentions her and compares her with you.
Most men wear their hearts on their sleeves and can’t hide them when they are in love with somebody, even when they try to.
He may even be cheating on you with her; hence, he feels he needs to justify his decision to cheat on you.
He does this by fixating on your flaws and brutally criticizing you for them as a way of assuaging his feelings of guilt and justifying his actions.
What To Do
When you are caught in a relationship with a man who constantly compares you with another woman, you may feel confused.
In fact, you may be torn within yourself; one part of you may believe that you deserve the comments, while the other may rebel against it.
However, if you are tired of being compared to other women like commodities in a market, here are some things you can do;
1. Tell him how it makes you feel
If your man compares you with another woman once, it could be an honest mistake.
However, when it becomes a consistent occurrence, it becomes intentional.
Your first course of action should be to sit down with and let him know how it makes you feel.
Being compared to another woman makes you feel like you are not good enough and messes with your self-esteem.
No one deserves that from the love of their lives.
Your man may not have realized how it makes you feel, so letting him know may be the best way to resolve matters.
Sometimes, all you need is a heart-to-heart discussion.
2. Set boundaries
This is necessary if your man seems unable to understand how comparing you to another woman affects you.
Perhaps, like me, he comes from a household where it is a common practice.
Whatever the reason is, he can learn how destructive it is to compare you with another woman.
You could help him learn by intentionally setting boundaries and ensuring that he doesn’t cross the line.
Show him what’s acceptable and what’s not.
3. Consider counseling or therapy
If it is a deeply rooted issue, you may consider therapy sessions with him to help him deal with it.
It is a good idea to work with a professional when it seems like nothing you can do will work.
Couple’s counseling is a great alternative, especially if you still believe that you are both in love with each other.
4. Consider exiting the relationship
Sometimes, the remedy to a toxic relationship is walking away before you get damaged by the relationship.
If your man persists in belittling or humiliating you by comparing you with another woman, you may need to start considering exiting the relationship.
The point is that comparing your partner to another person is a destructive habit.
Trying to motivate your partner to do better can be done in better ways, and to help you make the necessary changes, examples have been included above.
Follow those and see how many things will change in your relationship… for the better.