Hubby and I have been married for a year and 6 months.
They say marriage is a place of so much learning.
Well, I have learnt quite a number of lessons in my very young marriage that transformed our marriage but I’ll share FIVE of them with you.
So, here are FIVE of the lessons I learnt the hard way that changed my marriage:
1. I’m not always responsible for my spouse’s unhappy moods
There are days the Dear Husband’s mood is just somehow. Then I would start to think that I must have said something or done something wrong.
But alas, when he finally opens up, it’s definitely not me!
The DH might be frustrated and unhappy and it would be totally unrelated to me.
It could be work, family issues, a friend or a sad memory.
And honestly, it’s such a huge relief to know this.
I’ve stopped assuming that my spouse’s bad mood is due to something I’ve done or said wrong.
And if it is, he should be man enough to let me know especially when I ask him.
There are many other things to worry my head about than guessing if I’ve done something wrong or not.
2.How we say something is much more important than what we say
When we have disagreements, I tend to lash out a lot. I talk and say not-so-nice stuff.
But I have learnt that whenever I’m wronged, I’ll still lose if I use the wrong words.
The issue becomes why-I-reacted-that-way instead of probably getting an apology or a do-over.
So I have learnt to calm down, gather my thoughts and make him see how and why I feel offended.
Now, I hardly say anything when I get angry. I wait till the storm is over.
Believe me, this has transformed our marriage positively.
No matter how angry or tempted you are to say hurtful words to your partner when you’re angry, please don’t.
You’ll only regret it later.
Words are like eggs, once broken, can never be retrieved.
Read: How to Keep your Man
3. Being married and starting a family shouldn’t stop me from chasing my dreams
When I was pregnant, it wasn’t as easy for me as I expected.
I was perpetually in pains and discomfort. That slowed me down in all areas, especially in the things I loved to do. And when my baby came, my schedule got tighter.
We all know how difficult it is to combine motherhood and career.
A part of me became resentful. I wanted some things and I wasn’t getting them.
I started feeling left behind because all around me I see people chasing their dreams, my husband inclusive.
Then I resolved to put in more efforts. Put myself first in some decisions. And do at least one thing I love in a day.
I love writing and reading. I resolved to do more writing. I also have a thesis I’m working on.
Seeing myself put in efforts every day no matter how little has made me feel better about myself.
I love putting my brain to work and it feels good!
4. If you want something, ask
Yesterday, I had cramps. Husband came back from work early and noticed I was moody. He was sympathetic.
Then I had to prepare dinner. He followed me into the kitchen and offered to help.
Later, I served our baby’s dinner and asked him to feed her and he did that perfectly.
Those actions instantly made me feel better. As opposed to months ago, when I was pregnant and sick and I would assume he should know that I wouldn’t be able to cook or do something.
I would expect him to offer to help and if he didn’t, it would throw me into such a terrible mood. I might even end up in tears.
One of the mistakes we make as women is expecting our men to read our minds.
This isn’t fair.
If there’s anything you want your man to do, just ask. They can’t always figure it out themselves.
Instead of sulking, just talk.
5.Cleanliness is a relative term
Before I got married, I had a particular way of arranging everything.
I lived alone in school and had a room to myself at home.
So everything I had was always arranged the way I wanted and if I traveled, I was sure to meet every single thing the way I left them.
But marriage changed that.
Dear Husband isn’t that particular about details.
He would use a toiletry and put it elsewhere, put on a pair of shoes and return it to another tier on the rack.
This irked me every time. And I would complain and complain.
Then he told me one day, “You need to chill. The tier I placed the shoes shouldn’t matter as long as it’s on the shoe rack. Not on the bed, not outside!”
And that taught me not to sweat the small stuff.
Sometimes I rearrange, sometimes I ignore.
One year and six months, I have learnt some amazing things about marriage.
Most importantly, I’ve learnt to live in the moment and have fun. Countdown to five years and the lessons I’m going to add to this list.
This is a guest post written by Olamide Rejuaro, a computer engineer, a baker, a wife, and a mom.