What do you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort?
If you’ve ever had that feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, when you realize your boyfriend stopped making an effort to make things work with you, this article is for you.
What do I do when he has stopped trying?
What can I say to make him want me again?
How can I make him remember I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on?
These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation.
First, let’s consider the signs you’ll notice when your boyfriend stops making an effort.
15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort
If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort:
1. He seems quieter than usual
Your conversations are brief, and he doesn’t appear to be as interested in your life anymore.
He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort.
He isn’t attempting to start any type of dialogue at all!
2. He doesn’t ask you questions
He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went.
What are your favorite things to do?
What places in the city do you love going to most?
What is that one spot where you’ve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet?
He doesn’t ask these questions anymore.
Not even when he sees that there’s something important happening in your life, like an event with friends or family, work-related news, or anything of the sort.
3. He seems less affectionate
You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket.
He had his arm around you even if it was hot outside and he never stopped using pet names to call you babe, sweetheart, baby girl…
He is less affectionate now too.
You can tell that he isn’t as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you.
4. He doesn’t have time for you
Even if you’re really busy with work, uni, or whatever it is that keeps you tied up all day and night long – he used to make sure there was always time for the two of you.
But now, he doesn’t suggest doing anything together anymore either.
If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldn’t get out of it.
5. He doesn’t seem to have as much fun with you alone anymore
He used to love spending time with you and he always had a smile on his face when the two of you were together.
He doesn’t seem to be enjoying himself around you anymore now.
He may even try and find an alternative route so he can avoid spending time alone with you, or cancel at the last moment if he does suggest it because something came up.
6. He’s less available when you call
He no longer answers his phone as quickly as before.
If he does answer, sometimes it takes a while unlike before where there were never more than two rings on the line before he picked up – now it can take five or six rings!
Not once, not twice, but every time you call.
7. His favorite word is “maybe”
If you suggest doing something with him or if he is the one to bring it up, he will always say “maybe”.
He won’t be straightforward in saying “no” because by using that word he doesn’t have to face any consequences for his direct refusal.
He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened.
8. He can’t visit your people
He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to.
But now he doesn’t seem interested in getting to know them or spending time with them.
9. He refuses to put a label on things
He used to love calling you his girlfriend, he never missed an opportunity to flaunt you off as if everyone was supposed to know that this time it’s serious.
He isn’t saying anything because there are no rules anymore and nothing is official between the two of you.
10. He’s saying sorry more often
He seems to be sorry for everything these days.
He is sorry he didn’t call, doesn’t have time, or that you never see him anymore.
What happened to the man who always knew what to say and how to make it all better?
11. He seems to be down all the time
He used to be the one who cheered you up when you were down, but now he is also always in a bad mood.
12. He flirts with other girls
You know that he is flirting with those other girls, even if you can’t see him do it.
What happened to the man who always had his arm wrapped around your shoulder and never looked at another girl as long as you were both together?
13. He doesn’t remember dates anymore
He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too.
14. Your relationship is one-sided
One of the signs your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that your relationship has become one-sided, efforts are now one-sided.
You do most of the calling, talking, buying of gifts, planning dates, visiting, etc.
15. You doubt how he feels about you
Another sign your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that you start doubting whether he really loves, cares, and wants to be with you.
You also have the feeling that something must be wrong between you two because it feels like there are more bad days than good ones lately.
Why Do Guys Stop Putting in Effort?
1. He has met someone new
He may have met someone new and is now taking her on dates, buying her gifts as well as making other gestures.
What he isn’t doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work!
2. He is not happy
If he is unhappy in the relationship, this makes him less inclined to make an effort.
What could be making him unhappy?
This is a good question for a conversation with your boyfriend if indeed that’s what has been going on!
3. His work or studies have become more demanding or distracting
In this case, his schedule may actually not allow much free time at all right now.
His schedule may simply become too full and leave no room for romance.
4. Things got too serious for him
In some cases, he may have been at the point where it was becoming too serious for him.
Some guys want to be in a serious relationship; others don’t.
5. He doesn’t see a future with you anymore
The reason why he stopped making an effort might be because he no longer feels like there’s a future between the both of you.
What are some of the relationship killers that might have led him to this point?
6. He simply lost interest in being around you
It could be as simple as he just no longer feels like being around you, which means there isn’t much motivation for making an effort either.
7. You’ve become too dependent on him
He may have felt too responsible for you, or that he was committed to always look after your needs.
What can you do about this?
What can you do to make him see that you’re a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need anyone looking after her?
What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship?
8. You’re not really into him anymore
It could be as simple as the fact that neither of you is interested in each other anymore.
9. He got what he wanted out of the relationship
He may have had his fun with you, but now he is ready to move on.
10. You haven’t been putting much effort into making things work too
Now’s a good time to reflect on what each one has done throughout their entire relationship.
What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore?
All couples fight but if every single argument ever leads only to him feeling like you don’t want to work on it, then that is definitely something for the two of you to discuss.
11. He misses being single and free
He may be feeling like he is missing out on his life and it is time to get back into the single life.
12. You guys argue a lot
Too many arguments lead up to less making an effort.
What causes these fights in the first place?
13. He likes the chase more than the catch
In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you.
Some men prefer to chase women rather than being in a relationship with them.
14. He stopped believing there is something between you guys worth fighting for
In some cases, he may have forgotten how strong your connection was.
15. He’s just lazy
Some guys are just lazy, especially when it comes to relationships.
16. Something turned him off
Remember that there are always reasons why people do the things they do.
What could have turned him off about you in particular?
What is it that he doesn’t like anymore and related to your relationship together?
17. He doesn’t want to be committed
Some men just don’t want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that.
18. There’s no spark anymore
It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer.
These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort.
Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses.
No matter a guy’s reason for not putting in an effort, it doesn’t excuse his behavior.
There are other ways to address issues without him going cold on you.
What then should you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort?
What to Do When Your Boyfriend Stops Making an Effort
1. Find out why he stopped making an effort
The first step is to find out why he stopped making an effort and this may surprise you.
What was it that made him stop putting in the work?
Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual – just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesn’t have any left for you anymore?
Or maybe your boyfriend hasn’t really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on.
How do you find out why?
One of the surest ways to find out why he stopped putting in the work is by asking him.
Don’t be accusatory or judgmental when you do this.
Make sure your tone of voice and body language are completely neutral, because if they aren’t, what you say won’t come across as simply wanting information but instead will seem like an attack on his character which could lead you nowhere at all.
You can also find out through careful observation of his actions.
Make sure his action matches whatever he tells you.
Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision.
2. Express Your Concerns to Him
Let him know you’re concerned and explain why.
He might not even be aware that his behavior is making an impact on your life or how much it bothers you, so he may need to be brought up to speed.
Be sure to keep the tone of the conversation as calm and neutral as possible – if you can’t manage this then perhaps consider having a friend mediate for you until both of you are able to talk without getting too emotional about things.
Don’t bring past grievances into it, either. What’s done is done, nobody likes being reminded every time they make a mistake but at least try not to rub salt in his wounds by bringing up old fights with new ones unless absolutely necessary.
3. Try to Understand Him and Reassure Him of Your Love and Support
Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life.
Whether it’s work, school, friends, or something else entirely that is causing him so much stress and concern that he can’t even find the time to put in at least some kind of minimal effort for his girlfriend, put yourself in his shoes and be understanding.
Reassure him that you’re there for him.
4. Give Him Space to Change
Sometimes it’s not that he doesn’t want to make an effort, but rather that his life is just too busy and chaotic right now.
If this seems like the case for your boyfriend then give him some space by taking a step back yourself.
Don’t communicate with him except through text/email (if you feel it will be less intense than talking on the phone or in person) or calling each other constantly throughout the day when there are only going to be more fights about who called first and why so much time has passed without either of you initiating contact.
Give him some space to take care of his things and do what he needs to do before you start making demands on how much time he should be spending with you or expecting that your relationship will always come first every single time without question.
Giving him space will also give you the opportunity to make him miss you and see how much value you add to his life.
5. Get a life of your own
If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy.
Focus on your job/school/career/interests/hobbies/family/friends because this will make you a lot more interesting.
Don’t rely on him for happiness!
If he comes back, then great – but if not, don’t be surprised or disappointed.
You should always have an independent life that doesn’t revolve around anyone else.
When you’re happy and interesting, you’ll find yourself meeting new people and having the opportunity to explore all kinds of different relationships – not just romantic ones!
Having a life outside of your relationship is important for both parties.
When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later.
Don’t sit around waiting for his call or text message because it could go on all day without either of you saying anything at all to each other – just texts back and forth that don’t really say much if he’s not initiating the conversation himself.
What good is that?
What good is texting someone if you’re not really building any kind of connection with them or meeting up in person to have real conversations about something other than how their day was or what they had for lunch?
If he realizes how much fun his girlfriend is and misses the way she used to make him laugh all the time, he’ll come crawling back to you.
At the same time, don’t make it too easy for him to get away with not making an effort because he may take that as a sign that you’re afraid of losing him or that your feelings about his behavior aren’t really all that strong which could lead you two nowhere at all.
6. If he doesn’t change, ask yourself what you want
Continuing to put in effort for someone who isn’t putting any into you is only going to lead to more frustration and resentment – neither of which will make either one of you happy or satisfied long term.
If nothing changes, then it’s time to decide whether this is something you can live with or not.
If you decide that it’s not, then break up with him and move on.
There will be someone else out there who is willing to make an effort for you.
Don’t settle for less!