Marriage will teach you things about yourself that no self-help book or motivational Instagram page ever could, and some of those lessons are not flattering.
Sometimes, the thing standing between you and a happier marriage is not your husband. It’s you, the habits you brought into the marriage without realizing they were habits.
I’ve had to learn some hard lessons in my marriage. Some of them I’m still learning, if I’m being honest. But the ones I’ve managed to unlearn have made me a genuinely happier wife.
Here’s what I stopped doing:
7 Things I Stopped Doing in My Marriage to Become a Happier Wife
1. I Stopped Ignoring My Husband When He Hurt Me
I used to ignore my husband when he hurt me. And I don’t mean ignoring him for a few minutes.
I mean full-blown silence. Days of carefully calculated silence. Eating in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, breathing the same air, and acting like the man did not exist.
I’m not naturally confrontational, so instead of discussing the issue, I would just withdraw. I convinced myself that avoiding conflict was the mature thing to do.
Unfortunately, silent treatment doesn’t solve problems; it only stretches them because I was just marinating in my own hurt while he either got defensive or genuinely confused.
One day, it occurred to me that I was choosing to stay upset when there were better options available.
If I wanted to be happy in my marriage, I needed to take responsibility for how I responded to conflict.
So instead of shutting down, I started speaking up.
Now, when something bothers me, I say it. I may still be upset, but I communicate what I’m feeling instead of carrying the resentment quietly.
Talking through problems requires more effort than silence, but it resolves issues faster and prevents them from turning into bigger problems later.
2. Expecting Him to Be Perfect, When I Am Clearly Not
I need to laugh at myself for this one because the audacity!
I had a picture in my head of what the perfect husband looked like, and anytime my very human husband failed to match that picture, I would be disappointed. Like genuinely disappointed.
As if I had not also done things that required his grace and deliberate decision to let it go.
Perfectionism in marriage is a trap because it moves the goalpost constantly. He does something right, and instead of appreciating it, you are already cataloguing the next thing he hasn’t done. You stop seeing the person and start seeing a list of deficiencies.
The day I decided to extend to my husband the same grace I quietly expected him to extend to me, everything changed.
He didn’t suddenly become perfect; I stopped needing him to be. I started seeing what was actually there instead of grieving what wasn’t.
Your husband is not a project. He is a person. And people, including you, are gloriously, exhaustingly imperfect.
3. Waiting for Him to Read My Mind Instead of Just Using My Mouth
If I had a coin for every time I was upset about something my husband didn’t know he was supposed to do, I would be writing this post from a yacht.
I would want something, and instead of saying so, I would wait. And then be quietly devastated when it didn’t happen. And then be even more upset that I was devastated. And then give him the silent treatment about it. You can see how this becomes a cycle.
During our last anniversary last month, I specifically told my husband I wanted a brand new phone for my anniversary gift. That was what I wanted. Before, I’d have waited for him to figure it out. After all, he knows I’m a gadget freak.
But I’ve learned. If you want something, open your mouth and ask!
Because the thing about expecting your husband to read your mind is that it sets him up to fail a test he didn’t know he was taking. And then you penalize him for failing. That is not fair to him, and it is not kind to yourself either.
Speak up. Your needs are not too much, they’re just unexpressed.
4. Mistaking Vulnerability for Weakness
It’s funny how many of us can be married for years and still feel like we’re in survival mode emotionally.
You’re living with this person, sharing a bed and a life, but when it comes to your real feelings, you hold back because being vulnerable is risky, or worse, weak.
Yes, vulnerability is risky. Trusting another person with your true feelings and your real self is risky, but what kind of marriage will you have without emotional openness?
Because two people can live in the same house and still be strangers emotionally, and many marriages are like that. Functional, but not deeply connected.
Vulnerability is risky, but it is not weakness. It’s courage.
It takes strength to say, “I need you.”
“I don’t have it all together.”
”I miss you.”
”I don’t want to do life without you.”
”I love you.”
It takes strength to let someone see the parts of you that aren’t polished or perfect, and yes, you’re taking a risk.
You’re trusting that the person you love won’t use your openness against you.
And when that trust is honored, it deepens intimacy in a way nothing else can.
Real connection doesn’t happen when everything is perfect. It happens when both people feel safe enough to be real.
5. Comparing My Husband and My Marriage to Everything I Saw Outside
My husband got me the phone I wanted for our anniversary.
And if I had posted that, you would have seen a happy wife, a thoughtful husband, and a sweet marriage moment. You might have even compared your own husband to mine and found him lacking.
What I didn’t tell you was the drama and conversations where I had to passionately defend why I needed the latest model when the one I had was perfectly fine.
The mild tension and the very unsexy logistics of it all before the beautiful outcome.
Nobody posts that part. And that is exactly the problem with comparison.
See, the things that make a good post aren’t the ones that make a good marriage.
6. I’m Learning to Stop Interrupting My Husband
I have to be honest here. This is something I’m still working on.
I used to interrupt my husband constantly when he was speaking.
Sometimes I would jump in before he finished his thought because I assumed I already knew what he was going to say. I think many of us women struggle with this.
We don’t let these men talk!
Nobody wants to speak to someone who makes them feel like their words are just a placeholder until the other person is ready to talk. That is not a conversation.
I don’t want to be this kind of partner, so I’m learning to listen more patiently and let him express himself fully because feeling heard is one of the simplest ways people feel respected in a relationship.
7. Holding Unforgiveness
I am a perfectionist, and perfectionists make terrible forgivers.
When you have high standards, you feel the gap between those standards and reality very acutely. And when someone hurts you, there is a part of you that wants to hold the evidence of it to make sure the record shows what happened.
But unforgiveness in a marriage is not justice. It is poison that you drink while waiting for the other person to get sick.
I had to learn that forgiving my husband was not the same as saying what he did was fine. It was a decision to stop letting a past moment have a permanent seat at the table of our present.
Some things genuinely require time and conversation before forgiveness is possible. I am not talking about bypassing that process, but the deliberate choice to let it go instead of filing it away for the next argument.
A marriage where nothing is ever truly forgiven is a marriage that is slowly suffocating under the weight of its own history. I did not want that marriage.
None of these shifts happened overnight. Some I’m still in the middle of.
But the through-line in all of them is the same: I had to stop waiting for my marriage to make me happy and start taking responsibility for the kind of wife I was choosing to be.
That is not a small thing, as it goes against everything we were told that the right man and the right marriage would produce the right feeling.
They won’t. You have to bring the feeling with you.
And you do that by doing the work on yourself, in yourself, for yourself.
Your marriage will feel it.
This list is everything. Really. It covers everything. Thank you for making this list! ❤️
Thank you for reading!
@Mabel’s Blog, so how about the things that men has to stop doing that make their wives un happy?
They are 2 in a marriage not just the wife married to her husband. She has to change, how about both make some changes and adjustments.
@Ame, the discussion here is how woman should make self-introspection on how they can improve their relationships and not how men behave.
I really enjoyed reading this article!
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for reading!
Even iam making the same mistake of taking out my husbands flaws for not giving me special care. I had started accepting him as he is but by reading this I am happy to take his nature as he is. I have to change if I have to keep my married life happy. Thank You
So glad you found this helpful!
I have been married for almost 28 years and this is the best list ever for being happy in marriage!! I would also add that your husband/wife is not solely responsible for your happiness…that responsibility is still yours. You both however are responsible for the happiness in your marriage!! Love this!!❤️❤️
Thank you so much for your kind comment! You made my day!
Thanks for this list I really enjoyed reading and I learnt new things from this list
May God bless you abundantly for taking your time to teach us from experience you have gathered
Amen! Thank you so much
I have been married for 42 years and this list has taught me a few things I am guilty of and can learn from.
So glad you found it helpful!
Kindness and virture will establish genuine rell
Thanks for these wonderful tips! As someone who wants to be married I try to think about these as it relates to my romantic relationship. I am taking time to appreciate and be grateful for all the great qualities that my partner has and the awesome way he shows up and loves me. I think one thing I would add to this list is to stop thinking that my way is the only way or the right way. I have been leaning into some of the things that my partner suggests that are different from how I would normally do things and his suggestions turn out great!
Great information! I would add to never share your dissatisfaction or major issues with anyone outside your marriage. When you and your spouse forgive and move on those same people would love to remind you of what he/she did. Keep your marriage to yourself!
I agree, except for counselling purposes anyway.
A realistic loving helpful list.
Thanks for your marriage tips. Its so amazing to read through.
Thanks so much, this is an eye opener sometimes wife’s do things unaware they are hurting their partners actually pushing them away. I am going to Love, appreciate my husband ❤️ more
Not sure if someone already said this, but I’ve learned to never speak bad of your spouse to other people. That had actually happened to me. Let me tell you after about the 3rd time of me finding out about it, because well you almost always do, it felt like an absolute betrayal. Betrayal should never be a common feeling in your life, especially From our spouse.
I enjoyed reading about your experiences in marriage matters.All facts on comparison are to the point.Comparing is in many cases the cause of divorce.
I have been married for 37 years and I must say Communication is also very important marriage.
Couldn’t have said it better myself! One thing I’d add to the list is making time for myself. Last week, I hired carpet cleaners and I used the few hours they were here to sit down, relax, and read my book. I cannot even tell you how much it improved my mood. Especially if you have kids, it’s so easy to get caught up in taking care of everyone around you. You will be a better partner if you are also properly cared for.
Absolutely! I agree with you.
Comparing is the thing i will stop, thanks much
This is a wonderful article! Thank you.
Thanks for this article, GOD bless you,i have learned new things from it..
I enjoyed this article, it talk about me a lot.my husband is unusual.I have a hard time making excuses for him,and really don’t know what to do.I’m going to try and stop comparing him.and telling him
his faults.
Wow!such an amazing article 👏
Thank you!
Thankyou for such wise advice,, please send me any further topics
Thank you! Kindly subscribe to the site for more.
I like it
I now realize that i need to change the way think about my husband. I’m everything that you wrote here, tbh. I’m also that kind of person which is not satisfied about anything if i didn’t do it myself. I’m also kind of “perfectionist” but i realized, I’m not perfect so why am I doing this to my own husband? The love of my life and the person who accepts all my flaws? That’s not right. Right? I have to change! And this article that you wrote is very helpful and it made me open my mind about my marriage life. I really thank you so much. God bless you and your family! ❤️
Amen. Thank you so much.
So glad you found this helpful!
This was soooo informative! So Good! So Dope!! I’m learning daily how to make this partnership work and thrive here in the earth. Thank you friend. Lastly, it’s super encouraging to know that there are others walking thru marriage and learning and growing just as we are.
Thank you so much for your kind words!
This is awesome 👌, am a young lady in a new relationship, but this message has opened my mind and I have understood alot of things right now
My dear please may the good Lord bless you 🙏 😊
Amen! Thank you so much for your kind words.
The list makes so much sense. I’d admit I was doing most of those things.
The moment I stopped caring about things my life and married life got better.
Love in all different and special ways. You just have to accept other ways .
Wow, powerful teaching. My father in the Lord also taught me not to compare my life and marriage with others. That’s when found happiness. Another thing I have learnt is I’m not perfect and I have married an unperfect husband.it changed my life really. Thank you so much.
I’ve learned that if I just start working on me, he starts working on him. Someone has to be first!
God bless u ma it really make sense
This is so well written,God bless you for sharing.
God bless you ma it really make sense to me
But ma what if ur husband is cheating on u, and u ask him and he lied. U have a enough evidence that prove his cheating on u but he said know.what will u do
I Agree on somethings but when you communicate what he has done to hurt you instead of acknowledging and making amends.He invalidates you and make no amends or efforts to make things better.The whole communication part goes ways both ways if he is not ready to listen and make you look stupid to be upset over things that are not supposed to hurt.Even after communicating what you need in a relationship he doesn’t show up the way you want then on your part it will be like better to ignore him rather than talk
thank you for this advice i think it will help my marriage to be new
I stopped expecting positive responses from my husband whenever I make a suggestion, and it’s been helping me. I also detached emotionally from the things he does to hurt me and now I have peace deep down in my heart
Thanks so much for sharing 😊. God bless you
Thank you for your story.Change is great I’m working on myself also.
This post makes me angry for the experience I’m going through.
What if he cheats and doesn’t admit and continues to do so. When you try to talk how to solve the addiction for women never hears you out, is not ready to change and insults you constantly in front of others and otherwise, takes advantage of you. I can forgive but it’s impossible to forget
I stopped going into detail when he asks “How was _?” If something important happened, I will talk and he will listen, but if I just go into detail it’s best I call a girlfriend. This has lowered frustration levels for both of us. Great article because we truly have different brains. Thank you!
Thank you for making this at least have learnt alot
A good read
Well, this was a God-sent article. I’ve had to do some self examination today. And you’re absolutely right. I’ve had major arguments with my husband, some have been his fault and some mine. I have to admit last night’s argument was mine,as much as I would like to blame him- wasn’t terrible but I did feel furious. Even if it’s a reaction to his action I know I am responsible for my own actions and how I choose to react. And yes he is the head of the house, I know I have to communicate any major spending or decisions before executing them. But what do you do when you communicate and he doesn’t listen to you? He hears but he isn’t listening. So what’s the use of asking an opinion or communication when after the thing is done he comes back and says “why didn’t you tell me you were going to do this?” Umm.. I did but obviously, you weren’t listening! I got tired of dancing this jig.. so I just started doing or spending without consulting with him first. And it hasn’t turned out right either.. what am I to do? I don’t usually spend unessesarily! Neither do i act on impulse! Guess I’m still upset!! I’ll have to pray about this more and do some hard thinking.
True
Thanks dear. It helps me a lot 💜
This is really helpful I need to work on that. It has really affected my happiness I swear my husband is the best.
Thank you so much or this enlightenment. I am. Perfectionist, but even after trying to apply all this and a man refuses to communicate in marriage,this alone weighs down a woman and frustrates her efforts.
Worst of all is a ma hating the wife’s family for no reason, only to find out he feels inferior. Better alone than unsafe.
Getting to know and understand abit of your spouse helps marriages too much more than one can imagine