Being a woman in this generation is not for the weak.
It’s like you are writing an exam where everybody keeps changing the marking scheme.
Oh, be beautiful, but don’t be vain.
Be ambitious, but don’t be intimidating.
Be soft, but don’t be weak.
Be independent, but don’t act like you don’t need a man.
Get married, but don’t rush.
Have children, but don’t lose yourself.
Age gracefully, but don’t look old.
Have a career, but don’t neglect your home.
Have standards, but don’t be too picky.
Good Lord!!!!!!
Can a woman breathe, please?
Can we?
Everywhere you turn, there is one standard waiting to measure you in every way.
Even “soft life” has become another competition.
Before, soft life meant peace.
Now, if your soft life doesn’t involve business class, the Maldives, a Chanel bag, and someone’s son funding your iced coffee habit, people will ask if you are truly enjoying life.
And if you are not careful, all these expectations will enter your spirit and start telling you that you are behind and not enough.
Your self-esteem is not destroyed in one day. Most times, it is the small daily habits, and I’ll tell you five of them.
5 Quiet Habits That Are Destroying Your Self-Esteem as a Woman
1. Comparing Yourself to Other Women
Comparison is one of the fastest ways to turn your own life into a punishment because comparison does not just show you what another person has.
It makes you despise what you have. And social media has made it worse because we are now exposed to too many lives at once.
Before, you could only compare yourself to your neighbor, your cousin, your classmate, or that girl in church who always looked like she had her life together.
Now, in one afternoon, you can compare yourself to a woman in Dubai, a woman in Atlanta, a woman in London, a woman in Lagos, a 23-year-old millionaire, a newly engaged influencer, a stay-at-home mom with perfect skin, and a fitness babe who just gave birth yesterday but already has abs.
How will your brain rest?
To think society thrives on comparison. That is why we have lists for everything.
The richest woman, the most beautiful woman, the best dressed woman, the youngest woman to do this, the first woman to do that….
It is not always bad to celebrate achievement, but if you don’t have a strong sense of self, you will start using every list as evidence that you are failing.
You are not failing because another woman is winning.
Please write that somewhere.
You can admire without feeling inferior.
There will always be someone richer, finer, smarter, younger, more successful, more connected, more stylish, more confident, more visible, and more celebrated than you.
So what will you now do?
Spend your whole life competing with everybody?
No.
At some point, you have to come back home to yourself.
Face your lane and water your own garden because the more you compare yourself to other women, the more you abandon the woman you are becoming.
2. Letting Social Media Decide Your Worth
Social media is sweet until it starts seasoning your insecurity.
Social media is not all bad. Heck, I met my husband on Facebook.
So, social media has connected people, helped businesses grow, given ordinary people a voice, and has literally opened doors that would have stayed locked if not for visibility.
Social media is not the devil, but it can become dangerous when you start using it as a mirror for your self-worth.
For instance, you post a picture, and it gets many likes. You feel pretty.
You post another one, and people don’t engage. Suddenly, you are questioning your face.
“Was the picture not fine?”
“Did I look somehow?”
“Are people tired of me?”
“Should I delete it?”
“My caption didn’t make sense?”
A whole daughter of God, reduced to analytics.
It’s natural to feel like this as a human. Nobody posts because they hate engagement.
Let’s not lie and form unbothered.
It feels good when people engage with your content, but when your mood rises and falls based on people’s reactions to you online, your self-esteem is no longer in your hands.
You have handed it over to algorithms and people who are also trying to figure out their own lives.
Use social media for connection, inspiration, learning, laughter, and business.
But don’t let it become the landlord of your self-esteem.
3. Talking Down on Yourself
Some women don’t even need enemies because the way they talk to themselves is already doing that.
I know that sounds harsh, but it is true.
You look in the mirror, and the first thing you notice is something that is wrong with your body.
For me, it’s my flabby belly that has carried two beautiful children. 🙈
Somebody compliments you, and instead of saying thank you, you start negotiating with the compliment.
“You look beautiful.”
“Ah, no o. It’s filter.”
“Your skin is glowing.”
“Glowing where? Can’t you see my breakouts?”
Why are you fighting people who are trying to love on you?
There is a difference between humility and self-rejection.
Humility says, “Thank you. I’m grateful.”
Low self-esteem says, “No, don’t praise me too much before you discover I’m not that special.”
And sometimes, we disguise self-criticism as “being realistic.”
No, baby. You are not being realistic. You are being mean to yourself.
There is nothing realistic about insulting your body every morning.
You don’t have to be perfect to be valuable.
Clean the way you talk to yourself because some of your inner conversations smell of wickedness.
And you deserve kinder words from yourself.
4. Defining Yourself by Your Past Mistakes
Every adult has a past. Some people just have better PR.
That is the truth.
If people were honest, you would realize that almost everybody has done something they regret.
So you are not the only one with a past.
You are just the one still punishing yourself for it.
And that is one habit that quietly destroys self-esteem: using your past as your identity.
Your past may explain some things about you, but it does not get to define the whole of you.
Learn from your past and don’t live inside it.
5. Staying in Relationships That Rob You of Your Self-Worth
The wrong relationship can make you forget yourself, and I’m not talking only about romantic relationships.
My friend once worked with a toxic boss in a law firm, and I watched my usually confident friend become a shadow of herself.
Going from someone who could stand up for herself to being tongue-tied was heartbreaking for me.
Her self-esteem literally took a hit, and I couldn’t stand it.
I told her to quit and promised to support her financially.
No job was worth her self-esteem.
Thankfully, she quit, and she’s back to her confident self.
I shared that to let you know that any relationship, not just a romantic one, can deal a lethal blow to your self-worth.
A bad friendship, a toxic family relationship, a draining situationship, a jealous colleague, or a verbally abusive partner can do it.
Even a church group can make you feel like you are too much.
There are people who don’t love you; they tolerate you as long as you remain small enough for them to feel comfortable.
The moment you start growing, glowing, setting boundaries, dressing better, earning more, speaking up, they start acting somehow.
And if you are not careful, you will start shrinking yourself to keep access to people who are committed to misunderstanding and keeping you small.
That is how your self-esteem starts leaking.
Surround yourself with people who speak life into you.
People who correct you without crushing you and who celebrate you without competing with you.
Your self-esteem is not something you protect once and forget about.
It is something you keep guarding daily because many things will test it. Life, people, social media, relationships, and even your own thoughts.
If you are not intentional, you will wake up one day and realize you have been living like a guest in your own body, asking everybody else for permission to feel beautiful, worthy, successful, and enough.
You cannot give that much power away.
You’ve said it all, and the solutions you gave were awesome.
And we need to define what success means to us, by that, we remain focus on our own path!
We all should know our triggers, that is, the things that makes us feel low and work on them as soon as we sense it.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for this.