No one ever looks forward to the tough times of marriage.
We all enter into it with the best intentions, believing that our love will conquer all.
But the reality is that marriage takes hard work and commitment from both parties to make it succeed.
As someone who has been married for seven years now, I can say with certainty that there will be times when your relationship will be tested.
It’s not always smooth sailing, and there will certainly be bumps along the way.
But it’s how you handle those tough moments that will determine the strength of your marriage.
So, when things got tough in my own marriage, I turned to my husband and asked him some important questions that helped us navigate through those difficult times.
I wanted to share these questions with you in hopes that they may also help you when you’re going through a rough patch in your marriage.
I didn’t ask these questions all at once or in this sequence, but they came up naturally in our conversations and allowed us to have fruitful communication.
So, here are the 7 questions I asked my husband when marriage got tough:
7 Questions I Asked My Husband When Marriage Got Tough
1. “How can we work together to find a solution?”
When facing challenges in our marriage, it’s easy to get caught up in pointing fingers and blaming each other.
But what will pointing fingers achieve?
More anger.
More bitterness.
More resentment.
More issues.
If you care about making things work, I’m sure these are not what you want.
So, instead of apportioning blame, ask your spouse how you can work together to find a solution.
This simple question shifts the focus from finding faults to finding solutions, and it allows both of you to come up with ideas on how to resolve the issue at hand.
2. “What do you need from me right now?”
Sometimes, our partners may be going through something that we are not aware of.
Perhaps they’re stressed at work or dealing with personal issues, and it’s affecting their behavior towards us.
I always tell people that just because you are married doesn’t mean you know everything that is going on with your partner.
So instead of jumping to conclusions or assuming that it’s all about you, ask your partner what they need from you right now.
Maybe they just need some space, or maybe they need your support and understanding.
Whatever it is, this question shows that you care and are willing to listen, and that was what I did.
3. “Is there anything I have done to hurt or upset you?”
Oh, this!
I know many times, we like to feel that we are always right and never at fault.
But the truth is, we all have our moments of being insensitive or hurting our partner unintentionally.
It’s okay to think that your husband should speak up when you hurt him.
But not every man is wired that way; some will keep quiet to avoid conflict, especially if you are not an exactly agreeable person.
So, if you want an honest answer, ask your partner if there’s anything you’ve done that has hurt or upset them.
Listen without getting defensive, and try to understand where he’s coming from.
This may not be easy, but it takes courage and humility to grow in a marriage.
4. ”What are our core values as a couple?”
I didn’t just marry my husband because I loved him or he was handsome (though those were part of it, lol).
I married him because we shared the same values and had similar visions for our future.
But, as time goes on, it’s easy to forget about these things in the chaos of everyday life.
So when marriage got tough, I asked my husband to remind me what our core values are as a couple.
Values are principles or beliefs that you both hold dear, and that guide your actions and decisions as a couple.
Marriage is tough, but will be tougher if you marry someone with fundamentally different values from yours.
So, when marriage gets tough, it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment or the day-to-day frustrations.
This question helps you both step back and remember the bigger picture.
It’s like asking, “What’s really important to us?” and “Why did we choose to be together in the first place?”
For instance, if one of your core values is ‘mutual respect,’ revisiting this can remind you both to approach conflicts with an attitude of respect, even when you disagree.
Or, if ‘adventure’ is a key value, maybe it’s a hint that you need to shake things up and bring back some excitement into your relationship.
When you focus on these values, you won’t just be dealing with the surface-level issues; you’ll be reinforcing the very reasons why your relationship is special and worth fighting for.
It’s a powerful way of reconnecting and realigning your relationship, especially during tough times.
5. ”What are the little things I can do to show you I love you?”
We’ve always been told that men want respect while women want love.
But my man randomly asks me, ”Do you love me?”
Oh, so you want to be loved too?
Hahaha.
I thought you men only wanted respect.
Look, no matter how tough a man may seem, he also wants to feel loved and appreciated.
But love can look different for each person.
Some people prefer physical touch or acts of service, while others value quality time or words of affirmation.
You may think you are showing love to your husband, but he may not feel it because you are not speaking his love language.
And during tough times, when emotions are running high, these little things can make a big difference.
I asked my husband what the little things I could do to show him I love him were, and it opened up a whole new level of communication and understanding in our marriage.
6. ”How do you want me to respect you?”
Some months ago, one of my friends said her husband told her she doesn’t respect him.
My friend has always been a strong and independent woman, so this really got her confused.
When she called me to vent about it, I asked her what exactly he meant by ‘respect,’ and she had no idea.
And this is where many of us get it wrong.
We assume we know what our partner wants when, in reality, we are clueless.
So, I asked my friend to ask her husband how he wanted her to respect him.
She did, and they both had a long conversation about it and cleared up any misunderstanding.
I also took my own advice and asked my husband the same question because, just like many husbands, mine had complained about feeling disrespected.
And boy, did he have a lot to say!
I learned that respect meant different things to him, and we had to have a mutual understanding of what it meant in our marriage.
So, when marriage gets tough, don’t assume you know how to respect your partner; ask them.
It may be as simple as saying please or thank you or giving them space when they need it.
7. How am I doing sexually?
Oh, you think I’ll leave this out?
No, darlings.
You know, I often ask my husband to rate me sexually.
I’m not perfect, and I don’t pretend to be a sex goddess.
But what I’ve learned over the years is that communication about sex in marriage is vital.
It’s called sexual communication.
You can’t assume you know everything there is to know about your partner’s sexual desires and preferences.
And when marriage gets tough, intimacy can be affected too.
So, instead of just guessing or assuming, ask your partner how you are doing sexually.
Ask them if they are satisfied and if there’s anything you could do differently or better.
And don’t get defensive when they tell you.
Take it as an opportunity to learn and improve your sexual relationship.
It will not only make sex more enjoyable for both of you, but it will also strengthen your connection as a couple.
Conclusion
Marriage is a beautiful journey filled with love, joy, and companionship.
But it’s also a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs.
When marriage gets tough, it’s easy to feel lost or overwhelmed.
But it is not the time to throw in the towel or give up.
It’s the time to dig deeper, communicate more, and work together as a team.
It’s the time to learn, unlearn, and relearn.
Whether you use these exact questions or come up with your own, remember to always communicate with your spouse.
Don’t be afraid to ask your partner tough questions when times get rough.
They may not have all the answers, but they will help you both gain clarity and strengthen your relationship.
Remember, tough times don’t last, but tough couples do!